Tweeners, College and the Empty Nest

Both of my children are showing signs of reaching the end of Tweenerhood.  Tweeners are children in that awkward stage between early teenage and human.   My hero Mark Twain once said, “Children should be placed in a barrel at age 6 and fed through the bunghole.”  Then he added, “At age 12, plug the bunghole.”  Although I seldom argue with Mr. Twain, I have to disagree on this one.  I think most children are delightful between 6 and 12.  It is usually after that that the Tweener thing kicks in.

These are CLASSIC Reruns of this popular column! The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

Maybe children were different in the last century.  In any case, parents and other humans should be protected from long-term contact with Tweeners.  This is why colleges were invented.  Send the Tweeners away until they are human.

Several months ago, I attended the Central High Reunion.  At the reunion, I had the pleasure of seeing one of my high school classmates.  CJ was one of the achievers in our class.  Interestingly she remembered me as an achiever also.  I would have been happier if she had not insisted on using the word UNDER to precede achiever.  It wasn’t all my fault. I was in the midst of Tweenerhood.  On second thought, I may not have been an academic achiever but I did achieve a certain amount of success in other areas.  I believe I still hold the record for the highest number of days in detention.

As I have confessed earlier, I served time in three or four colleges.  Several of them actually presented me with a diploma although I still am not sure why. Several others requested I not return as there was nothing they could do with me. I always assumed that meant I already knew everything they planned on teaching me.   Last week, I had a nice conversation with one of my favorite professors from one of the colleges I completed.  He has now retired which is a shame since one of my Tweeners is a student there.  I wish he could take one of Dr. Stinson’s Classes.  On the other hand, if Dr. S is reading this column it might show up in one of his classes as an example of “how not to write.”

Following Tweenerhood, the children will get full-time jobs and leave the nest, well prepared to function in the adult world.  Management (their mother) will have to advise them on this.  I had a real job once.  That was back in ‘78 or 9 before I realized working in the same place for 30 years could limit my opportunities for mistakes.

Although, we have wonderful children and we hope they will visit often we are looking forward to “the empty nest.”   Once children are born life is changed.  One change is the amount of clothes that are required to be worn around the house.  Newlyweds with no children have no dress code.

Tweeners expect parents to be fully dressed, including shoes at all times, in case one of their friends stops by.  Nothing embarrasses a child more than a shirtless, barefoot father.

In anticipation of the empty nest, Management and I have gone on diets.  I need to lose some weight. My “altogether” isn’t as all together as it once was.  Management on the other hand is still beautiful.  The problem with going on a simultaneous diet with a woman is that I am going to get into trouble. Women have the diet thing down to an art.  There is a proper way to go on a diet, which is not my way of eat less, lose weight.  First you have to have a starting weight, followed by daily checks. This is where I’m in trouble.  If I don’t lose weight, then I’m not putting enough effort into the diet.  If I lose too much too fast, (that is faster than she does) then I am in big trouble.  Last week, I lost 5 pounds.  I had to gain 3 back before the “weigh in.”