Tear Gas, Swaddling and Rolling Jays

We just ran a story about an old safe that was rigged with WWI tear gas to deter burglars. The combination broke and the owner attempted to break in and was gassed for his trouble. We found out that many old safes have the same feature both installed new and as an add-on feature. I happen to have several old safes in inventory that I have been planning to break into some day. This changed my plans.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

That’s right – once I found that old safes might be booby-trapped, some even containing explosives, I did what any sensible country boy would do. I moved this project from my “things to do sometime in the future when I have time” to a “must do soon.” How can anyone resist potential explosions? I even picked up another safe that had been given to me years ago and I had never brought home.

It was only four feet high and two-and-a-half feet square so I didn’t need any help but Archie. Archimedes is the guy who said, “Give me a lever and a place to put it and I will move the world.” If Archie can move the world, I can move a large-ish safe. It happened to be in an English basement. It was easy enough to get it to the bottom of the steps but getting it up the steps took some creativity. The safe is now safely at home including unknown contents and unknown booby-traps.

The next issue is opening the safe. There is always the option of bringing in a professional. Professional safe openers come in two varieties. There are the guys who have shops with signs and who pay taxes and have full names and there are the guys with only first names or nicknames who you locate in bars or on street corners. Unfortunately, I happen to know several in the second category and none in the first. Oddly enough, both of the guys I have met in the second category are currently unavailable. One of them is apparently working in a restaurant. At least I was told he was serving from six to eight.

In any case, the professionals I once knew could open a safe but they did a lot of damage in the process. I also understand they prefer working third shift which makes it difficult to get good pictures of the process. My preference is to open it so it is still useable and so that thirty or forty years from now after I am gone and the combination is lost again someone else will be plotting the best way to open it.

Assuming we get it open without destroying it, the next issue is what to do with it. My preference is to install it in a wall covered by a picture. Oddly enough, 100 percent of the men surveyed agree this is the only option. Equally oddly, 100 percent of my wife flatly vetoed this plan.

The daughter brought the Grand-Brat by for a visit. I learned several things have changed since we had babies. The latest in rearing children is swaddling. Swaddling was mentioned in the Bible, and it sounds sort of peaceful, calming and soothing. Actually what they do is put the child in a straightjacket. I have a long-standing relationship with straightjackets since my bride Management bought me one to wear when I attend auctions. Her theory is that if I can’t raise my hands, I can’t bid. Frankly, the straightjacket doesn’t interfere with my bidding but I don’t like it. Straightjackets, handcuffs, rules, regulations and social etiquette inhibit my movements and annoy me.

Swaddling is now fairly common. The infant is rolled up in a blanket until he looks like a small mummy or a large maggot. Fortunately it was out of favor when I was in my infancy. The best I can figure is swaddling made a resurgence in the 60’s with a child named Jay. In my teenage years I often overheard folks talking about “rolling a Jay” but as this was before I was interested in having children I ignored them. I haven’t heard that expression in thirty years so I assume there are fewer children named Jay or I am associating with a different crowd, or something like that.