Take a Moment to Listen to Their Story

Do you know someone who is hurting?  Are they hurting because of the bad things that happened to them?  Or are they hurting because of the damaging choices they made?  Have you ever thought that the person made terrible choices because of the injurious things that he or she may have endured?  For many of us, understanding this truth creates a major paradigm when thinking about how to help or relate to hurting people. 

Everyone has a personal story; we all have hurts, hang-ups, and harmful habits.  Generally, a hurt, harmful habit, or hang-up can be anything that keeps you from realizing your full potential.  Hurts, harmful habits, and hang-ups can knock you off God’s plan and throw you into a worldly detour headed toward destruction and despair.

 For many of us, when we hear about someone’s struggles, our thoughts go to what is wrong with them.  Why doesn’t he just stop?  Why doesn’t she just get it together?  It may be hard to meet them with grace or compassion if we do not share their struggle or story.  Think about it, no one just wakes up one day and decides to destroy his or her life.  No one dreams as a young child, “I really want to be a druggie or addicted to alcohol when I grow up.”  Nobody has that dream as a child.  However, a person may not realize that their underlying pain or hurt is part of their flawed decision-making process.  

We all have a story.  Part of everyone’s story is painful events and mishaps.  The goal should be understanding the chapters of our or others’ stories to understand the resulting hurts, hang-ups, and harmful habits.  Friedrick Nietzsche summed this up when saying, “To live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”  

Two people with a life story full of struggles have an enlightening outlook on dealing with a life story full of issues.  Helen Keller, who was left blind, deaf, and mute from a childhood illness, said, “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.  Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who spent her life researching and helping people deal with grief, noted, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.” 

Having a story doesn’t excuse harmful behaviors; it simply helps understand the behaviors.  Using past events to justify recent decisions is called “a victim mentality.”  A victim mentality is often a familiar but faulty mindset.  A victim mentality allows a person to think it is someone else’s fault when something goes wrong.  Another example of victim mentality is using a problematic childhood event to excuse present-day bad decisions and actions.

Knowing how to challenge this unhealthy mindset is a complicated process.  Celebrate Recovery’s Steps provides a method that includes completing a personal inventory and then admitting the discovered wrongs to yourself and others.  The exercises may be painful or frustrating.  Many have, however, discovered the power needed to change life’s direction through these exercises.  It is normal to have struggles and harmful habits.  Those who say they don’t are in either denial or hiding behind a mask because of their shame.  Understanding this dismantles the shame for those who are struggling. 

 The next time a friend relapses into a struggle with alcohol, sinks into depression, or even if the retail clerk is rude as you ask a simple question, remember…they have a story.  Understanding this will help you meet the hurting with grace, love, and compassion.  Help them see what Max Lucado observed, “A season of suffering is a small assignment when compared to the reward.  Rather than begrudge your problem, explore it.  Ponder it.  And most of all, use it.” 

Walking with your friends or family members in their struggles may require help.  Don’t resist reaching out to a Biblical counselor.

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.  Matthew 7:12

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.