Sue ‘em, Just Sue ‘em

By Averett Jones, Southside Messenger Editor<br>

Every time you turn around someone is suing someone. According to numerous online news sources, a Nebraska man is suing both Walmart and the manufacturer of Walmart’s plastic bags. This suit, the story and the grocery bag all have holes in them. I don’t know if its true but here’s the story without the names.

The man is blaming Walmart for the death of his wife. He claims that in 2010 his wife purchased two 42-ounce cans of La Choy and a two-pound bag of rice which he claims the cashier put in one bag. (note: total weight over 8 pounds and by the way, does La Choy even come in 42-ounce cans?)

The bag broke as she “walked to her car causing one of the cans to fall on her foot. It broke her toe and also left her with a deep gash, which got infected; that infection spread through her body despite antibiotics and even two surgical procedures, “ultimately result[ing] in her death” almost a year later, the suit says. He is also suing the plastic-bag maker.  He says the bag was defective, and also blames Walmart for not training its employees to double bag (or at least not overfill bags). The lawsuit seeks $656,000 in medical expenses, an unspecified amount for pain and suffering and loss of consortium, plus reimbursement for funeral and burial expenses.

This man should immediately be charged with fraud. If the bag was defective then Walmart is not responsible and if Walmart overloaded the bag the manufacturer is not responsible. Put him in jail until he decides which suit he wants to claim.

Besides, where is the responsibility of the shopper? “Could you please put that in two bags? This doesn’t feel safe to me. The bag might break and I might drop a can on my toe.”

This claim isn’t about a dead wife.  It is about $656,000, half of which will go to the lawyer. If I were the judge I would throw out the case and the suit-happy plaintiff.

I would rule, “This man’s wife was so stupid she attempted to carry an overloaded bag which broke and then broke her toe.  Considering the facts, why would I then believe she followed the doctor’s orders properly and did everything she could to aid in healing? I rule for the defendant and order the plantiff’s lawyer to pay all legal fees for both parties.”

Football players just won a 765 million dollar suit against the NFL for not warning them that repeated blows to the head could cause brain damage. It seems the players missed that childhood warning about protecting your head because your brain is inside. Maybe nobody ever told them their brains were located inside their skulls.

If I were the judge I would have ruled, “It is the plaintiff’s responsibility to know the location of their own body parts and organs. It is his obligation to protect them. In choosing to play a game that involves multiple 300-pound-plus men running full speed into other 300-pound-plus men, the plaintiff is responsible for protecting his personal organs and body parts. Case dismissed.”

In 2007, Judge Roy Pearson  sued his local drycleaner for $67 million over a lost pair of pants. He later dropped the suit to $54 million. Pearson became emotional on the witness stand as he cross-examined himself about the emotional toll that losing a pair of pants has taken on him.

If I were the judge, that judge would have been disbarred, disrobed and defenestrated.