Solve Marriage Conflict

Is there conflict in your marriage?  Join the club.  There is conflict in all relationships.  The question should be, does the conflict damage or create a breakthrough in your relationship.  A breakthrough involves using friction to learn about your partner and to learn new approaches to problems.  Damage means …. Well, you can recognize damage.

A typical start to a marriage counseling session is, “I don’t understand why he did this!” or “She always does this, and it makes me so mad.”  “We have agreed to do this, yet he/she does it anyway.”  “I have no idea what he/she was thinking.”  Frustrations are clearly visible.

My immediate thought is, “Is winning the argument and being right more important, or do they want to solve the problem?  Do they want to solve it?”

Conflict is not the problem.  How we deal with conflict is the problem.  SOLVE is a conflict management tool that stands for:

Start by stepping out of denial

Overlook the temptation to react

Look and understand your actions

Verbalize questions and thoughts.

Eliminate the urge to manage your spouse, focus on your actions

Let us look in detail at the five steps to “Solve” the problem.

Start by stepping out of denial and accepting responsibility. 

Admit there is a problem and own your part.

Overlook the temptation to react, and avoid manipulation.

Do you know your hot buttons?  A hot button is an action that pushes you over the edge.  We all have hot buttons that cause us to react instead of responding rationally.  A reaction is an uncontrolled, unplanned reply that we usually immediately regret.  Alternatively, a response is a well-thought-out and measured answer.  A reaction is a retort that the speaker usually regrets the moment it leaves his or her lips.  Leave debating for the debate team.  Your goal is to communicate to build understanding.  Take time to think before you talk.  Words hurt, and they are impossible to erase once you release them.

Look and understand your actions and then your spouse’s actions.

Step three helps you understand the impact of your behavior.  It is easy to focus on your spouse but start with your input into the conflict.  This can also help defuse the situation.   

Verbalize 

This is the challenging part.  Now it is time to talk.  Start with open-ended questions.  That means forming questions that can NOT be answered yes or no.  Do you remember when you did this or that?  The answer is an easy yes or no.  A better conversation opener is that yesterday, you left the towel on the floor, and it now smells terrible; what can we do to help you hang it up?  Open-ended questions start with a how or what.  Responding to open-ended questions requires more than yes or no. 

When you are angry and lose your temper, it scares me.  How could you let me know you are stressed?  Describing how your spouse’s behavior affects you helps your spouse understand the effect of his or her actions.  Be sure to ask your spouse what he/she thinks and LISTEN.

Eliminate the urge to manage your spouse, focus on your actions.  

Remember, your conversation should not be about controlling your spouse but about finding a mutual solution.  What is your tone?  Which question is going to get the best response?  You are stupid and lazy for leaving the towel on the floor.  Or, the dog rolls in the wet towel, leaving it dirty and smelly; it is tough to get the towel clean.   Remember that your first priority is to give your spouse insight into how his or her behavior affects you. 

Successful marriage skills, like all skills, require continual practice.  The next time there is a blow-up at your house, SOLVE with it!  Moreover, don’t be afraid to seek help.  Building marriage skills can require a coach.

An idea well expressed is like a design of gold set in silver.  A warning given by an experienced person to someone willing to listen is more valuable than gold rings or jewelry made of the finest gold.  Proverbs 25:11-12 (GNT)

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.