Santa, Christmas Gifts and Batteries

This Classic Rural Legends was first run on December 22, 2005 

Merry Christmas and Thank You to my readers.  Without all four of you, I’d have to get a job.

Last week someone tried to get me to sit in Santa’s lap and tell him what I want for Christmas.  There are several reasons I would not. One is that I already have everything I really want or need.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

The other is, in keeping with only telling the truth in Rural Legends, is that Santa and I haven’t always had a good relationship.  In my single digit years, “the jolly old elf” did a pretty good job.

Then in my early teens, he would take one look at me and say “Naughty.”  He never even looked me up in the “Naughty or Nice” book.  Then, he would ask me what I wanted.  We all know that if you are on the “Naughty” list you either get nothing or “coal and switches.”  I had no use for coal and as a young lad I already attracted switches, much like I attracted detention hall and suspensions in school and traffic tickets out of school.

I always suspected my parents helped the chubby guy out.  I never received what I asked him for but he always brought me something my parents knew I wanted.  During the next 15 years my Christmas order was always the same.

“Dear Santa, I have been as good as I could this year. Please bring me an attractive, intelligent young lady who is both naughty and nice.  I’ll leave you cookies and milk.  Your friend, Averett.”

Now that I am older, I realize from looking at his nose that maybe eggnog or something else would have been more beneficial as a bribe.  It seems sort of sad that a visit to the Christmas “spirit” salesman might have resulted in a speedier response.

As it was, for about 15 years he ignored my request and gave me clothes and toys. Finally in 1984, a year I really had been naughty, he delivered. Thanks, Big Guy.

I am really looking forward to Christmas day this year.  You can give me the speech about the wonder in a child’s eyes on Christmas morning but what is really wonderful is when they are old enough to sleep late on Christmas morning.  THEN, I can spend the morning unwrapping their Mother.

For some reason Management doesn’t get excited about unwrapping me.  I suspect it has something to do with the fact that “I am not wrapped too tightly” which is something she (and many other people) have been saying all of my life.

As always, I have run out of Christmas gifts early this year.  People make random comments about what they want, then I get it and since I’m not good at keeping secrets I give it to them.  There are two problems with this.  One is that they forget they had Christmas in August and so do I.  The other is that they often forget they ever made the random comment about “always wanting.” Now they are stuck with it.

This year I am going to give the same gifts as I did last year.  I did my Christmas shopping early.  I bought everybody batteries.  I found a huge box of batteries on EBAY.  Some people will get double A’s, some C cell and some will get D’s.    I even have some of the itty bitty triple A’s and 9 volt.

I already know to whom I’m going to give the D cells.  I have a friend who constantly talks about how much he likes double D’s.  I’ll give him an even dozen.  He should be happy all year.  I’m so proud of me.  This is the first time I’ve done my shopping early and then saved them till Christmas.  I hope everyone likes the batteries.

I even printed some nice cards that say.  MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope you enjoy the batteries. (Gift not included.)