Recognizing a Toxic Relationship

Have you heard the term “toxic relationship”?  Toxicity influences romantic relationships, friendships, and even family relationships.  What is a toxic relationship?

A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect reflected in a reciprocal give and take.  Decisions are jointly made, problems are discussed, and both people feel valued.  

Toxic relationships are another story.  A toxic relationship is characterized by behaviors that cause you to feel drained and unhappy, including disrespect, dishonesty, controlling behaviors, or a lack of support.  Below, we explore the emotional and verbal signs of toxicity; next week, we’ll look at steps to overcome toxicity.  Some signs are subtle, some obvious; here are ten recognizable signs.

1.  No Support.  An element of a healthy relationship is mutually supporting the other’s successes.  In a toxic relationship, achievement becomes a competition.  You feel you aren’t supported and encouraged.  You don’t trust the other person to show up or to be positive.  You feel your needs and interests don’t matter.  The only thing that matters is their needs and wants.  The other person blames you for everything.  He/she makes you feel worthless, shattering your self-worth.  They patronize, dismiss, or embarrass you in public.  You often feel small, confused, shamed, and exhausted. 

2.  Venomous Communications.  Sarcasm, criticism, and contempt fill your conversations while missing any element of respect or kindness.  Conversations consist of snide remarks or a mocking tone.  Most comments are insults designed to humiliate and belittle your interests, appearance, or accomplishments.  Comments often begin with “You always” and end with a put-down.

3.  Governing Activities.  You have to report where you are at all times.  The other person becomes angry if you don’t immediately answer your phone, or texts you repeatedly if you don’t immediately respond.  

4.  Jealous and Never Let Go.  The other person lets their envy come out negatively.  Their envy keeps you from thinking positively about or even recognizing your successes.  Mistakes are never forgotten or forgiven.  Successes are never praised. 

5.  Pattern of Disrespect.  The other person regularly forgets events or is chronically late.  They minimize their actions.  They show casual disrespect for your joint events and feelings.  Your partner cloaks their whereabouts in dishonesty.  

6.  Ignores Your Needs.  You always go with what the other person wants, even when it makes you feel uncomfortable.   For example, you clearly communicate the date of an event you wish to attend.  The other person schedules an event for that weekend and expects you to change.  In a toxic relationship, you let go of your self-care habits.  You give up hobbies, sacrifice your free time, and ignore what you think is important.  You give in rather than face your partner’s disapproval.

7.  Lost relationships.  You stop spending time with friends or family to avoid arguments.  You change how you communicate with others.  Your partner says your loved ones don’t want to hear from you.  A toxic partner may stop you from getting a job or studying to isolate and control you.  

8.  Stress.  Life feels like walking on eggshells.  You’re constantly on edge, feeling miserable, mentally and physically exhausted.  You worry that bringing up problems will only worsen things; you become conflict-avoidant, keeping issues to yourself.  You work hard to make sure nothing happens to cause problems.

9.  Financial.  Toxic financial tactics range from controlling all money, preventing you from having your own bank account, restricting your access to credit cards, to giving you a daily allowance.

10.  Gaslighting.  Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that makes you question your feelings, actions, and sanity.  For example, insisting something you remember never happened, saying they never said something when you clearly remember, accusing you of doing things you did not do, or demanding you are one with the issue. 

Is it possible to mend a toxic relationship?  Yes, toxic relationships are not doomed.  The deciding factor is if both partners are willing to change.  Do not go alone if you believe you are in a toxic relationship.  There is help available.  Next week we will talk more about change.

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.  James 3:16

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.