Projects, projects and lapses in my synapses

I was recently informed that I do not think like most people. This is untrue. My brain receives signals to which it responds just like everyone else. My synapses (the little electrical charges in our brains) synap just like everyone else. I will admit to some lapses in my synapses and that some of the little charges end up somewhere other than they should but I still maintain I think just like everyone.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

This brings us to the difference between Projects, projects and stuff. The little things we have to do are stuff. Take the car to the shop, wash the dishes, and write a Rural Legends column, these are stuff. Stuff to do doesn’t take long. Generally stuff is anything that takes less than a few hours to do. But complicated stuff can take as long as a few days.

The level above stuff is projects. These take more time than stuff but less than several months.

Examples of projects are completing my taxes, cleaning the shop, building a garage for Management’s car, and driving to MA to pick up a truck. Had the truck been located at my Ma’s, it would have been stuff. The fact that I was misled and now have to take my bride on a glorious 4-day trip with no children and no stuff to do is simply not my fault. This is just one of those simple misunderstandings that happen on a regular basis around here. I don’t know why everyone just can’t keep things simple and avoid confusing me. Projects, with a capital P, are things which will take
over three
months but less
than a normal
lifespan to complete. Last
week when I
said I had only
217 Projects on
my list of things
to do, some
people thought
I meant stuff or
projects. I don’t
even keep a list
of stuff or projects. It has been my experience that the longer a project or stuff is postponed the greater chance that circumstances will intervene and make it unnecessary.

Projects are also things I do to avoid getting a “real job.” For some unknown reason “a real job” is important to most people. My first project for making money when I was 8 was selling toads, snakes and turtles. Later, in my early double-digit years, I was paid for using a pitchfork to remove manure from barns. Isn’t it interesting how life moves in circles? Now forty years later I am again throwing manure around, only now it is with a computer. When I was younger I let some people convince me a “real job” was necessary. In retrospect, the proponents of “real jobs” were also the proponents of “marriage.” Subconsciously, I must have realized that I was much too young and immature for either job or marriage.

I had no more success with my early romances than with “real jobs.” I have since learned that “a real job” is important to most women. Most of my early romances ended because of the job thing, because I was dull and boring even then, or for other minor reasons. One ended because the lady was afraid of swimming. . I had no idea water could scare someone that badly.

I suggested skinny wading instead of dipping as a way to overcome her phobia.

Both “real jobs” and romances seldom lasted long. I remember one semester of teaching English that seemed to last for years and left scars on both the students and me. This was followed by 3 years of white-collar professional employment, which I left to become a full time beekeeper. Since then Projects have been good to me and I have made a living.

This particular Project has been a lot of fun. I just sit here, drink coffee, toss a little manure, write this silly column, play a little solitaire AND people call it “a real job.”