Low Self-Esteem Meet Self-Compassion

Did you take the Self Esteem quiz last week?  Here it is again.  First, listen to the soundtrack you are playing about yourself.  Listen as you describe yourself, the stories you tell yourself every day.  Now, on a scale of 1 to 10, one being you say very negative things about yourself and 10 being you are describing yourself using positive, supportive words, how do you rank your internal self-esteem?

The lower the number on the scale the more negative your internal self-critic.  A negative internal self-critic can have negative consequences.  Research studies found that higher levels of self-esteem are linked to higher levels of relationship satisfaction, job satisfaction, occupational status, salary, and physical health.  As well, the studies found that people with higher levels of self-esteem are less likely to feel distressed by rejection or negative feedback.

So, how can you raise you levels of self-esteem?  First, look at self-esteem as self-compassion.  Compassion encompasses feelings of kindness, caring, and understanding for people who are in pain, including a desire to reduce an individual’s suffering.  Self-compassion has exactly the same qualities as well as self-compassion includes acceptance.

Acceptance requires self-knowledge.  You can’t esteem a person you don’t know.  So how well do you really know yourself?  Are you looking at yourself based on negative things you have heard in the past?  Have you forgiven yourself for your past actions?  Or, are you still punishing yourself for your past actions?

Journaling is an easy way to get an understanding of your internal critic.  Writing down what you say about yourself can help you see “in plain English” your negative thought patterns.  Now, don’t beat yourself up for the negative thought patterns, show some compassion and have fun.  Try naming your internal critic.  For example, from journaling you see you are always negative when you see other parent’s activities such as homemade Halloween costumes, theme birthday parties, houses always decorated for every special event; call this critic Martha Stewart.  The next time, you start belittling yourself for not meeting some artificial requirement, you can say to yourself, there is my Martha Steward critic again.

The second way to quiet that self-critic is to learn to laugh.  Remember compassion includes a desire to reduce an individual’s suffering.  Our ability to laugh at ourselves is essential to developing self-compassion.  Being able to laugh at yourself allows you to have perspective.  When you have a situation that is causing you stress, looking for humor gives you a perspective, which helps make things look less devastating.

We can be our own worst critic.  Do you treat yourself the same way you treat your best friend?  If your best friend did something wrong would you continue for years to bring up the mistake?  Self-compassion is the idea that we can be kind to ourselves when we fail and treat ourselves with the caring support we would give to a friend who is struggling.  We want to care for and protect others from harm, so why not have the same feelings for ourselves?  Self-compassion is a balance of truth (Yes, I made a mistake) with grace (I have worth and value, and I will address mistakes directly).  Grace and truth together mean you acknowledge a negative that happened without either minimizing it or making it more than it was, and at the same time apply compassion to yourself.  Self-compassion helps us handle our humanness and the situations we are in with empathy, concern, understanding, and kindness.  Self-compassion is a gentle way we relate to ourselves both when we’re struggling as well as when things are going well.  It is like treating yourself as you would a friend who is struggling, learning something new, scared, or confused.

Finally, ask yourself, how can you have compassion for others, if you don’t have compassion for yourself?

He answered, Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself.  Luke 10:27 

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Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at Discovery Counseling in Farmville with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.