Is It Possible to Repair a Toxic Relationship?

Have you heard the term “toxic relationship?”  Toxicity infects romantic friendships, work relationships, and even family relationships.  What is a toxic relationship?  A healthy relationship consists of mutual respect and a reciprocal give and take.  Toxic relationships are another story.  A toxic relationship leaves you feeling drained and unhappy; the relationship includes disrespect, dishonesty, controlling behaviors, or a lack of support.  Last week we explored the signs of toxicity; this week, we will look at steps to overcome toxicity.  

Is it possible to change a toxic relationship?  Yes, the deciding factor, though, is whether both partners want to change.  If only one partner invests in creating healthy patterns, the likelihood that change will occur is remote.  There are indicators you are able to work together.

Mutual acceptance of responsibility.  This starts with both of you understanding the relationship is struggling and a desire to improve it.  Accepting past harmful behaviors is vital; it reveals self-responsibility and awareness.  Both partners need to admit their part in the toxicity.  

Open to investing.  Are both of you willing to invest the time and effort in improving the relationship?  It will take determination to develop conversation skills and to allocate quality time to spend together.

Willing to stop blaming.  The path to changing a toxic relationship includes steering the conversation away from blaming and understanding.  For example, “It’s your fault.  You always do that.”  Restate with more open understanding, “I think we misunderstood each other, so let’s try again.  I understand you are upset; how can we work on this together?”

Getting outside help.  There’s no shame in seeking professional help when facing relationship issues.  It is common to need help to get things back on track.  Seeing the forest when you are stuck in the trees is not easy.  It is hard to recognize individual actions contributing to toxicity inside the relationship.  A trained Biblical counselor provides a neutral perspective and unbiased support, while teaching both people new strategies for resolving conflict and creating healthy habits.

Steps to moving forward.  Repairing a toxic relationship takes time, patience, and diligence.  Here are several steps to help you turn things around.

Refrain from dwelling on the past.  Yes, repairing a relationship involves clearing the air regarding past events.  This means finding a way to move past these hurts.  Avoid getting stuck in always bringing up past mistakes.  Being stuck by past hurts won’t solve the problem and will leave you both frustrated and angry with nothing resolved. 

Use compassion.  It is easy to blame the other person for all the problems.  Instead, take time to consider potential motivators behind their behavior.  Are they under unusual stress at work or with other family members?  The triggers are not excuses for misbehaving; understanding them can help you communicate with your partner.  Ask yourself if you are contributing to the misbehavior.  Are you critical, demanding, or belittling?  You may not mean to, but your actions could be the trigger.

Learn and use healthy communication skills.  Have you paid close attention to how you talk to each other?  Avoid sarcasm and even mild jabs; communication should be gentle and kind.  Concentrate on using “I” statements.  Instead of saying, “You don’t listen,” say, “I feel hurt when you play on your phone when I’m talking; it gives me the impression that what I say doesn’t matter.”

Set boundaries together.  Know your needs and boundaries as well as your partner’s.  Talking through boundaries is a good step in any relationship.  Work together on being flexible as well as being patient with each other.

The bottom line, toxic communication and behavior patterns crack the foundation of a relationship.  Don’t just watch your foundation crumble.  Reach out to a Biblical counselor and consider the necessary steps for rebuilding or reinforcing your relationship footings. 

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.