Grief and Marriage

Blessed are those who mourn.  Matthew 5:4

This is a Beatitude from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount and is hard to understand.  Do you view grief as a blessing?  Loss is complex, and the resulting emotions ripple through you and your partner.  Marriage is a team sport, with each partner relying on the other for better or worse.  The challenge of grief is how to grow through this worse time and build for a better time.  

Grief spins off from many life events.  The loss of a loved one is the most recognized source of grief.  However, the loss of a job, a career, the end of a friendship, the departing of a pet, and many other events cause grief.  Loss and the resulting grief change everyone.  It is essential to take the time to understand how your grief is affecting your relationship and to take steps to keep your marriage healthy. 

First, you need to recognize the changes happening in your marriage to understand how grief touches marriage and how you can navigate the rough waters with your marriage healthy and intact. 

Are you going in opposite directions?  Every marriage has its up and downs.  Times when you feel you and your spouse aren’t on the same page.  Grief makes communication harder than usual.  Your emotions just aren’t in-sync.  

Are you lonely?  Loneliness intertwines with grief.  Grief and processing grief is different for everyone and can be very isolating.  

Are problems you thought were buried popping up again?  Grief can cause issues you thought had faded to resurface.  Grief stirs up emotions of anger, guilt, and frustration that bring up old hurts.

Are the roles in your marriage changing?  Have you been the strong one, never showing your vulnerability?  Now you need support and reassurance and to know how to ask for your needs.

Do you feel intimacy has died?  It is typical for physical intimacy and romance to be disturbed by a struggle with grief.

So how do you deal with grief in your marriage?  How can you mitigate the distress that grief causes?  How can you use grief to build a better marriage? 

Acknowledge your differences.  The first step is understanding and respecting that we all process grief differently.  You may want alone time while your spouse thinks grieving is a group activity.  Grief provides you the chance to talk about how you each process emotions.

Don’t set a deadline or schedule for processing your grief.  It is easy to get impatient with yourself or your spouse.  Be open and accepting of each stage of grief. 

Show affection.  Grief causes your relationship to feel detached and distant.  Set aside time each day to be with your spouse.  Listen to what he or she needs.  It may be a hug, sitting quietly watching the sunset, walking just the two of you, or cuddling while watching a movie.  Whatever is decided, be deliberate in making time to be together.

Recognize and don’t belittle each other’s feelings.  You’re grieving.  Your spouse may feel guilty or frustrated that he or she does not know how to help.  You both must recognize and talk about your feelings.  Talking about your feelings allows you to validate your spouse’s emotions.   

Use this chance to learn about yourself and your spouse.  It is hard to watch a loved one grieving in pain.  However, being with him or her will help you grow in understanding of their traits, strengths, and weaknesses.  Grief can feel like everything has changed and will never be the same.  With patience and time, things may not return to how they were, but things can improve.    

Reach out for support.  Family and friends may be sources of much-needed love and support.  Biblical counseling is also an option for finding help.  Listen to your spouse, friends, and family regarding counseling.  Sometimes we handle grief in unhealthy ways, like over-drinking or hiding in our grief.  Rely on your support network for advice; remember, there’s strength in numbers. 

Blessed are those who mourn is finished with the last half of Matthew 5:4 — and they shall be comforted.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Psalm 34:18

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.