Dictionaries, Encyclopedias, and Mixed Marriages

When it comes to non-fiction, you just can’t beat reading a dictionary or an encyclopedia for pure entertainment value. My bride, Management, who is perfect in every way, has some sort of deep-seated issues with encyclopedias and lesser ones with dictionaries.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

During our courtship and early in our marriage, I saw no evidence of these issues. We set up housekeeping as most young couples, with some hand-me-down furniture, a few used dishes, and a well-mortgaged wall. My contribution to the union was several hundred hives of bees, one somewhat battered and bent beekeeper, and a few books. It required several hours to move all of our worldly possessions, and an additional day or two to move my books.

We were prepared to live happily ever after.
I made a small sign, which said “Hovel Sweet Hovel.”

A week into marital bliss, all of our bees died and I became a bee-less beekeeper, although still somewhat battered and bent. Fortunately, we had our well-mortgaged wall to put our backs against, a few books, and love. I made another sign, which said, “Where Management is, is Eden.”

Then came our first trouble in paradise in the form of a smooth talking encyclopedia salesman. Now I already had three sets of encyclopedias, but this guy was good. He said, “I am selling Britannica Encyclopedias,” and I said, “I’ll take them.” I arranged for small and eternal payments. No one can ever accuse me of not making a quick decision.

Management was less than pleased. We made Britannica payments through the birth of both children and made the final payment in time to register the children in elementary school.

This matter still comes up almost 20 years later at any time we are contemplating a major purchase. “Is this another Britannica?” Management will sweetly ask.

Contrary to popular opinion, I am not stupid. I seldom make the same mistake twice. After about a year or two of those payments I found I needed a new dictionary. I was attempting to look up defenestration, and with only 6 or 8 dictionaries I couldn’t find it. I ordered a new Random House unabridged. What good is a dictionary that is missing words? This one is the size of a small coffee table. She had never even mentioned having a problem with dictionaries and comparatively speaking this one was cheap.
Management was not pleased. I made a new sign. “This marriage was made in heaven, but so were thunder and lightning.”
How was I to know that she considered dictionaries to be in the same category as encyclopedias? I explained my problem with defenestration. She had no problem in either theory or action. Defenestration is the act of throwing something or someone out of a window. Personally, I prefer it in theory.
I have to go on record as saying I really needed that dictionary. Language is constantly changing.

My new dictionary defines a mixed marriage as “a marriage between persons of different religions or races.” My older dictionary defines it as “marriage between Protestant and Catholic.” Management says we have a mixed marriage. She is Normal and I am not. I cannot find the country of Normal in any of my books, and until meeting Management, I had never heard of it. My only experience with Normal was after going to the hospital for some tests. I received a statement from the doctors stating I was perfectly normal. This was the only time I have ever been accused of being a perfect anything except an ass. I was so proud. I had it framed. Management requested a conference and demanded they return me to my original condition. Two of my friends who had the same doctors, changed to another hospital and another said, “Jones, who are you going to believe, three doctors, or EVERYBODY who knows you?”
I still wonder what he meant.