Country Store Loafers, Swimming Basements and Life Insurance

The art of loafing in a country store is rapidly becoming a lost skill. Each store has a different style. In some stores, the loafers just sit, think, and rarely talk. Others are argumentative. Some have in- depth discussions and some are just fun.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

I spent a pleasant hour at Abilene Grocery last week. When I stopped in to deliver the papers, there were four loafers sitting there. It is important to realize that although they are usually referred to as loafers, no one actually loafs at a country store. They come in to make a purchase, or deliver papers and just wait awhile to transact their business. As they wait, they will resolve ALL of the problems in the area, country, or world depending on the mood of the group. Last week we resolved the political situation, discussed flying ultra light airplanes and riding motorcycles. President Bush should add a Country Store Cabinet to his staff. There would be less problems. At the Abilene Grocery, Phyllis also makes a fine lunch, which is almost as important as saving the world.

I returned home to find our basement filling with water. This is NOT my fault. Please ignore what anyone else may tell you. Management insisted on having running water in the house when we built it. I attempted to explain that this was certainly running water. It was running out of the door and down the driveway. Somehow, this is my fault. I admit to purchasing the “wash closer” which broke and caused the flood. I still think it isn’t too much to ask for a $35.00 appliance to last longer than 4 years and then when it decides to quit to die with dignity and a minimum of mess. That’s the way I want to go with dignity, a minimum of mess and someone to pick up the remains and use the spare parts. I thought the experience was positive. We had been talking about cleaning the carpet anyway and this time of year an indoor pool is kind of nice.

Speaking of my demise, which didn’t happen after the flood, years ago I received an invitation to buy life insurance. Management thought this would be a good idea. I agreed. Anything that will insure my living sounds good to me. While completing the forms, I discovered that I didn’t get anything. She still thought it was a good idea. I completed the forms, wrote a check, and mailed it in. The following week they returned my check, and declined to insure my life. They said I have a high-risk personality.

I resent that. I am extremely cautious. I never take chances with anything but money. I called the company who declined to insure me. He explained that because I had flown ultra-light airplanes, hang gliders, and participated in other risky behavior I was more likely to take other chances. That just isn’t true. I flew very carefully. Besides everyone I know who has died in the past ten years had never flown a hang glider.

Buying the ultra-light was more risky than flying it. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, go home with an airplane without getting approval first.

The agent just wouldn’t listen to reason. I explained risky behavior was drinking and driving. Risky behavior is cheating on your taxes. Risky behavior is cheating on your spouse. Risky behavior is owning an attack dog. As usual, I was ignored. I even explained if God didn’t intend for me to fly then why did he create Orville and Wilbur Wright? The man just wouldn’t listen to reason. Management was disappointed. For some reason she wants me to get paid when I die.

Contact Averett Jones in care of The Southside Messenger, P.O. Box 849, Keysville, Virginia 23947 or E-mail editor@southsidemessenger.com

© 2005 Hermes Publications