Anniversaries, Deer, and Interrupted Romance

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

The greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their mother. Today Management and I will celebrate our anniversary. Twenty years ago, we promised to “Love, Honor, and Cherish” which we have done. We did not promise not to disagree and fight which we have also done. On several occasions, we even discussed giving up. Once we separated for a long time. It was the worst six hours of our lives. We have weathered storms, had good times, bad times and some incredibly ugly times, but with Love and Faith the marriage survived. We learned Love grows through the bad times if you let it. We have learned to Blesh to the point that we don’t always need words to have a conversation. We have learned to live for today and look to the future. As the legend on our sundial reads, “Grow old with me, my love, the best is yet to come.”

I spent 29 long and lonely years waiting for Management to enter my life. There has recently been some discussion on the lonely part. I intend to stick with my official story. Please keep in mind that I did not say I spent this time alone. Like any other young American male, I spent a great deal of time in pursuit of young ladies. I was never highly successful in this endeavor. Although I pursued with enthusiasm, they were generally faster than I. Additionally, I had extremely good taste in ladies; the problem was that the young ladies also had good taste. I have been culled and kicked to the curb by some delightful ladies. I will be eternally grateful to them not only for the friendship and companionship but also for dumping me. I consider the time I was single as my Management training years. Most importantly, the Management team was already in place to prevent me from becoming permanently involved with anyone until she grew up. This was part of the Cosmic plan or Management’s punishment if you prefer.

I have had potential romantic interludes, interrupted by dogs, police, thunderstorms, and once by a stampeding herd of deer. I can emphatically state that having eight deer stomple on your anatomy will totally destroy any disgusting and lecherous thoughts. These were NOT eight tiny reindeer, they were full grown Virginia Whitetails. Then any thought of retrieving such thoughts was destroyed by the pack of dogs, which were in pursuit. By the way, deer are more painful, but dogs are noisier and smell worse. Until I met Management, I remained suspicious of both dogs and deer.

I also held a pre-Management grudge against motorcycles. Last year I was talking with a friend who happened to mention that when the Highway 460 bypass around Farmville was being built, he used it as his personal late night dirt bike track. I now had a person to go with the grudge, but unfortunately, it was too late for revenge.

I too considered a portion of the unfinished bypass to be my personal property. One night a friend and I were having a picnic. It was very romantic – a full moon, “A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and a lady on the bypass.” The only distraction was the noise of traffic on the bridge.

Suddenly, a motorcycle dropped from the sky and landed between us. It changed gears and was gone as quickly as it had arrived. Not only the bread and wine, but the potential “mood,” were permanently gone.

When we met, Management had the mistaken impression that I was dating a redheaded lady. Suddenly road signs began appearing that said. “No turn on Red.” You just have to be impressed with a woman who can control road signs. Her story is that the signs were always there but that I never paid any attention to them. I know better.