Letters to the Editor

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia.  Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century.  The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary.  He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel.

Here in Stump County at the Sneezeville Sentinel we’ve never published a letter to the Editor because we’ve never received one. This week we received a call from an inmate at the Stump County Jail. We were surprised mainly because until we got the call we didn’t know Stump County had a jail or that we had a telephone. Actually until we received the call we didn’t have a jail. That is just one of the benefits of being an imaginary county, we can change with the times.

Apparently Officer Bustah Butts built a jail and has an inmate named Tweaker. He can’t write well so I went down and he dictated his letter to us. This is what he said:

“I am currently incarcerated in the Stump County Jail for a period of one year. I really didn’t do anything wrong. I have always wanted to be a scientist so I moved to Stump County, moved into an empty house and set up a little lab. After the explosion, Officer Butts brought in some drug agents and, to make a long story short, I was convicted of the manufacture of methamphetamine.

“This is what I want to say –

“There are a lot of unsuccessful drug manufacturers who agree with me because they want to get something back. Just because we are criminals, we didn’t get here on our own. There were a lot of people who helped us get here. Some folks think we’re stupid because we got caught but there are a lot of folks out there who are stupider than we are that aren’t in jail.

“I wouldn’t have been a criminal if it weren’t for the Gov’mit. If it weren’t for the roads and bridges I couldn’t have transported my supplies. If it weren’t for laws that made it profitable for me to manufacture drugs I wouldn’t have been a criminal. If it weren’t for the internet that allowed me to look up ‘How to Manufacture Meth’ I wouldn’t be a criminal.

“There were a lot of folks who helped me along the way. The teachers who gave me passing grades and the school that gave me a diploma when I could barely read helped me become a criminal. Then there was the guy who read the ‘How to Manufacture Meth’ to me.

“There was the agency that put my family in public housing so I could grow up with a drug dealer next door for a role model. I give a lot of credit to the welfare system that gives enough to survive but no incentive to do any better for making me what I am today.

“My Mother was certainly responsible for what I am today. She could have married and I could have had a father in my life. My father is also responsible (whoever he is). He could have been a real man and helped support and raise me.

“Then there was my first arrest for selling pot. We won’t go into details but there were hundreds of people who helped me become what I am today.

“My problem is this. There are a bunch of folks yammering about ‘sharing the wealth.’ They want to take money from the folks who earned it and share it with the rest of us. That’s a good idea. They also want to take the credit from those who built businesses and share it with the rest of us. Another good idea.  The problem is not one of them is willing to take their share of the blame for my failure and mistakes.

You’d think they would be lining up outside the jail offering to do part of my sentence. After all they helped me become what I am today.”