Stolen Trucks, Practicing Evil and the In Crowd

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

Last month someone stole my little Dodge truck Sioux.  I was upset for several reasons.  The first being, where is the self-respect of anyone who would steal Sioux?

Sioux (pronounced Sue as in the Dakota Sioux Indians) was old and beat-up and had a lot of miles on her.  She had some dents and dings but she ran well and I was planning on spending a few more years with her.  After all, we had a lot in common regarding the dents, dings, mileage and cranking issues.

The only logical reason was that someone really had to get somewhere really, really badly.  Another possibility is that the thief looked at her and figured even if he got caught she wasn’t worth enough to count as a felony.  If a car is cheap enough would it be Misdemeanor Theft Auto instead of Grand?

Last month she was sitting at the office with a dead battery when someone decided they needed her more than I did. Either they jump started her or Sioux was a willing participant and had faked a dead battery.

The more I think about it maybe the battery problem was the automotive version of “not tonight dear, I have a headache.” Then when someone more appealing than I showed up she got all revved up and left me.

This gives me another reason to be upset. What could have anyone else offered her to get her to leave me? High-test gas? A garage? A tune up?  Regular washes? Washes that didn’t happen from rain? New tires? No load of scrap? All right already, I don’t know if I convinced you but I certainly convinced me.  Maybe the relationship wasn’t as happy as I thought it was.

Before I finish writing this I have to take a break and call my bride Management and make sure SHE is as happy in our relationship as I am.

I had to fill out police reports and a bunch of other stuff.  In one of them I had to state that Sioux being stolen was not “in consequence of any fraud or evil practice done or suffered by me.”

I’ve spent two days meditating on the differences between evil practices and practicing evil. Then I had to contemplate if evil comes naturally or if it needs to be practiced and if so does evil improve with practice?

It seems to me there is enough evil going on without anyone having to practice.

I often hear about groups that people join. So far I have never found any group I would want to join. On the other hand since I’ve never been asked to join a group it is a moot question.

Even if I had been asked I agree with Groucho Marx who said, “I would never join any group that would have me as a member.”

Imagine my surprise when I was called a new name and accused of being a member of a group.

I have recently discovered I am “one of the IN crowd.” I am one of the “Powers that be” and I am “In the loop.”

Shouldn’t I have known that?  Why aren’t I invited to the meetings? Shouldn’t I know who the other members are?  Is there a secret handshake?  Do I have to pay dues, take an oath or be involved in an initiation ceremony?

Will they give me a nickname and invite me to their houses and to their parties? Will I have to drink with them?

What bugs me is no one even told me.   

What I want to know is how can I resign?