Sortin’ out lawsuits in Stump County

Little Big, known as LB, is the hardest working man in Stump County. LB says if you just work hard, do the right thing, and take reasonable chances you can be successful. If nothing happens, one day he is going to own the entire county.

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia. Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century. The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary. He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel.
Trying to contact Half Whitt? Send letters to editor@southsidemessenger.com, or mail to The Southside Messenger, P.O. Box 849, Keysville, VA 23947 and we’ll pass it along!

Well, LB doesn’t want to own Stump County. He just wants to work hard and try big projects. So this week he came up with a plan that could put Stump County on the map. He calls it Common Sense Consulting.

What he proposes is for us to get together and form a mediation team. LB says every time he reads a newspaper he finds someone has filed a lawsuit on somebody. By the way, LB also says if you don’t read newspapers you won’t be successful unless you are lucky. Knowing what is going on around you and in the state and country are necessary if you want to make wise business decisions.

Anyway, LB says most of the lawsuits and divorces could be handled by a team of Stump County advisors. He calls this binding mediation. He says “good old Stump County Common Sense” would do wonders for the rest of the country.

He may be on to something. He says we could turn the Courthouse into a mediation facility. We might as well, we haven’t had a case in court since the last time Ludd got charged with “makin’ likker,” and probably won’t have another until they catch him again.

Let’s say a couple of folks want to get a divorce and can’t sort out how to split up their stuff. LB got six folks down at the Yak-n-Snack Restaurant and asked them what to do. Thirty minutes and 9 soda pops later, they had it done. They suggested making a list of all of the stuff including the bills. Then they said flip a coin to see who goes first.

The winner gets first choice from the list. The loser gets second and third choice to make up for not getting first. Then they swap back and forth until everything is gone. Same thing with the bills, and it’s all done in one afternoon.

He gave another example from a nearby county. There was a contractor digging a big hole. The contractor asked for more money because he said he hit rock. The business gave him walking papers and gave the contract to someone else. Now, everybody is suing everybody and a couple of barrels of money have been spent in court.

Well, LB threw it on the table at the Yak-n-Snack. The CSC decided this one even before they had their soda pops opened good. They said, “Read the contract and if there isn’t a ‘rock clause’ send the contractor home. If there is a ‘rock clause’ send them to see if there is rock and if it meets the definitions in the clause. If it does, pay him.”

Well, how about that, four minutes instead of years.

If you have a problem you can’t resolve, send us the details and a nice new hundred-dollar bill, and we’ll sort it out for you.