Snakes in the Freezer, Bears in the Woods and Sailboats for Sale

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

My bride Management just cleaned out the freezer. As you know, Freezers and Frigideezers serve dual purposes. One is to keep food fresh until used. The other is to store unwanted food that is too good to trash for several years until it is no longer too good to trash.

In the course of her cleaning she found a snake. There is nothing unusual in finding snakes in my freezer.  I still have plans of building a freeze-dryer. What was unusual is I have never seen this snake before.  Not only that I didn’t put it there. I didn’t wrap it up and I know nothing about it.

This particular snake was in a large sized heavy duty beverage cup from a convenience store.  The cup was sealed with a half a roll of electrical tape.  The taped cup was in a snake bag with a tight knot,  which was in another bag with a tighter knot.

That guy that found King Tut’s tomb had less trouble getting into it than I did getting into that cup. I could have unwrapped Tut in half the time it took me to get into that cup.

I still don’t know who wrapped it, who brought it to me, who put it in my freezer or what I am supposed to do with it. If you were involved in that project please get in touch and let me know whatever it is I have forgotten.

This week I had another vindication. A camper was grabbed by his head by a black bear and was dragged from his tent. He escaped and, with the exception of some scars and a story to tell, is fine.

This wasn’t in Virginia. According to DGIF Virginia Bears don’t make unprovoked attacks.

Here is my take on the issue.  All the wildlife experts say to keep ALL food out of reach of the bears. Then (keeping in mind bears eat any and everything) campers crawl into a tent and go to sleep.

The bear arrives at the campsite looking for food.

The only thing edible is protected by one layer of thin nylon since all the other food is hanging in a tree.  Once the nylon is removed  there is the human in a sleeping bag looking like a giant grub worm (a bear delicacy) or maybe a supersized taco.  It even smells like whatever it just had for supper.

The bear is hungry. Everything else is hanging in a tree……….

A few years ago I bought a salvage sailboat for resale. As soon as I got it home bride and brats decided we were going to keep her and sail her.  We’ve been sailing some and have already reached the point required by all boat owners which is to get a bigger boat. Since I am in acquisitions and transportation I have done just that.

Of course this excludes other boats I acquired to part out since they don’t count against the cosmic limit on boats.

In any case, I decided to sell the Leprechaun at my normal and ever so reasonable rate of one percent  or more profit, i.e. buy it for a dollar-sell it for two and be happy with one percent.  It may not be good math but it is good business and besides I was in the 5th grade three times and took whatever math class is required in high school three times.

Then a problem arose. Management decided I should sell her for exactly what I have in her. No profit at all. Her thinking is if we hadn’t bought her cheap then we wouldn’t have starting sailing so we should pass the blessing on to someone else.

I am still stuttering about this. NNNN-no Pr-pr-profit.  What is that woman thinking? On the other hand she has to be correct since I have always made it a point to never question the wisdom of the woman whose biggest decision in life was in choosing to marry me.

So, the Laughing Leprechaun is for sale for  s-s-s-s-seven hundred d-d-d-dollars. This includes the t-t-t-trailer. She is a modified 21 ft. San Juan that needs some repair.  She is being sold just like I got her which is AS IS.  That means she comes with my famous highway warranty. Once you get to the highway the warranty ends.

Then again I think I’ll go with my famous hitch-ball warranty.  Once you hitch her up she is yours- no other warranty expressed or implied.

Here is the fine print.  This is not a first come gets her. Give me a reason you should be the one and the first person with a convincing reason and the money gets her.  If you laugh at my stutter you can’t have her.

I’m having enough trouble adjusting to the n-n-n-no p-p-p-profit.

If you think you might be the one call me at 547-5415.