Serving Take-Out, Walking Tall and Test-Driving Kittens

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

A few weeks ago I signed up Grand-brat #3 for preschool. I cheerfully admit I did this before discussing this with his parents but that is a grandparent’s prerogative. In my defense I knew they would agree with the plan because I raised the daughter and she is a sometimes sensible person who generally acknowledges my wisdom. As I often say, Faux Pa is very old and very wise.

Both of our brats attended the same preschool and have nothing but fond memories as well as a solid foundation from the experience. There is only one tiny little issue. The walkway to the door is a ramp with brick sides. This isn’t a problem for adults or adults with children. The problem is when Junior decides he “can do it himself” and wants to walk in by himself.

This means the parent or grandparent is walking behind while watching – watching little Junior bravely walking up a ramp with walls higher than he is tall—in the case of Dauntless almost twice his height—looking like he is walking into a maximum security prison. That’s tough on a Faux Pa who is allergic to jails.

This time the Grand-Ma’am took him on his first day and she seems to have survived better than I did on our Brat’s first day in Kindergarten. I was doing fine. We were walking to the door when he turned and said, “Don’t worry Dad, I always be your little boy.” What a rotten thing to do to a Dad. I still have scars from that.

My pet spider Octavia didn’t show up for our evening date for several days. Every evening she builds a web behind my chair on the deck and I feed her bugs. Last week I mentioned this and she was apparently mad at me, for good reason I might add. I don’t know what I was thinking but a gentleman NEVER discusses a lady. I should have kept the relationship between the two of us.

There are also several new additions to the back deck. A mama raccoon and her three brats show up for dinner or breakfast or whatever it is when you eat at four a.m. o’clock in the morning.

I’ve eaten breakfast that early many times but only when I was on my way home. Maybe that’s what they are doing.

I also have a teenage kitten, which by the way needs a new home. This kitten destroyed a 50-year perfect run. For fifty years I have brought home stray kittens and puppies and for fifty years I have convinced people to “take them home for a test drive.” I say, “If it doesn’t work out just bring it back.” Heh-heh-heh – No obligation at all. Heh-heh-heh – If it doesn’t work out just return it for a full refund. Heh-heh-heh

As a student of human psychology I knew even at ten years old that once a cute fuzzy kitten is in your home it is in your home forever. Heh-heh-heh

Well, last week I had my first return. Please forget those last two paragraphs.

Would anyone like to take a cute friendly litter-trained kitten home for a test drive? Free two-week trial offer. “If it doesn’t work out just bring it back.”  No obligation at all.