Roids and Rangs in Stump County

Lately we have been having an epidemic of Roids and Boomerangs in Stump County. If you have never visited Stump County (pop. 999) we are an imaginary county populated with imaginary people located in Southside Virginia, just beside No Where.

Stump County is about 100 years behind the rest of the country but we are experiencing some of the same issues as the real world. Lo Quacious was the only resident of Stump County who has ever visited the real world and returned. Just ask him – he loves to talk about it.

I am Half Whitt. I work for the Sneezeville Sentinel Newspaper located in Sneezville. Years ago I sent one of my articles to The Southside Messenger (in the real world) by Lo when he was on his “Walk About.” They are my only contact with the real world.

You should understand that the Stump County Public School only goes to the fifth grade.  Students are taught the basics: Reading, Writing and the Road to Richmond.  In the last generation many of our young people left Stump County to find good jobs in the real world.

 Many have been successful. We are proud of them. Some became politicians, preachers and professional panderers. We don’t discuss them.

In the last few years Stump County has been experiencing a plague of Returns, Roids and Rangs. Now the returns are great. They were successful and came home to retire.  We love hearing how they lived, and benefit from their experiences.  We love watching them; learning from them and helping them spend their money.

The Roids and Rangs are another story.  As you know a boomerang only returns to the thrower if it misses. The Rangs were failures in the real world and crawled back because they couldn’t make it in the real world. That’s not a problem. Home is where you go when the world has beaten you up. But some of them act superior to those of us who didn’t leave. They say things like, “All of the bright young people have to leave Stump County to get jobs.”

They ignore the fact that many locals in Stump County have been successful. Take Little Big for example. LB works hard, makes good decisions and has gone from poverty to being the richest man in Stump County, which, of course, is still poverty in the real world, but pretty impressive considering.

Some of the Rangs had to wait until their Mamas and Daddies died before they moved back to the family home. They like to pretend they are successful. Some can’t get jobs and would be on welfare if Mama and Daddy (rest their souls) hadn’t been successful (in Stump County no less). Most have never earned one dime in Stump County but want to advise those who have on how to run our businesses, farms and the county.

The Roids are the same. There are Him-Roids and Her-Roids.  When they come down they are a royal Pain in the….oops…We’re in Stump County, 100 years behind the real world, I can’t write that.