Reaching the Unreachable

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Have you thought about creating a Snapchat account as a way to communicate with your teen?  Do any of these words describe your feelings as you try to talk with your teen?  Uncomfortable, annoyed,  pointless, frustrated, senseless, ignored?

In a recent survey, 98% of parents of teens responded that more times than not they feel they have problems talking with their teens.  You are not alone if you describe your attempts to communicate with your teen as fruitless.  Problems communicating with teens is not a new situation.  Remember the story of the prodigal son?  The son and the father can’t find a way to talk through issues, so the son decides the best idea is for him to leave.

Some things have changed over the centuries.  Your teens now rely on their smartphones to reach out and touch someone.  They text, not talk.  They have an unlimited ability to get information from sources other than you.  However, even with all this change in technology, one thing that is the same is that your teens need you.

Our brain’s ability to make wise choices does not fully develop until well into our twenties.  Dr. Laurence Steinburg’s research found that teenagers seek out risk-taking behaviors because the brain systems involved in decision-making are not fully mature.  Even though your teen may view him/herself as fully capable, they are still developing.  The best way to help your teen is to continue to have clear, healthy lines of communications.

Ok, are you saying, “Tell me something I don’t know, but how do I do that”?

Start by looking at your attitude.  Have you recognized that your teen is not a young child anymore?  How are you showing respect for their point of view?  Not to say you have to always agree with your teen.  However, do you use the same measure of respect when talking with your teen that you would use with a friend or stranger?

It is easy to point to the other person as the reason for a misunderstanding.  Every parent has heard their teen say, “My parents don’t understand a word I’m saying.”  The challenge is not to get defensive and accept that it is their point of view.  Now, you have a great opportunity to use reflective listening.  Respond by rephrasing what your teen said: “I hear you say that you think that going to the concert should be your choice, is that what you are saying?”   “I understand your point of view, but I am concerned about your school work, and your safety.”

Your goal is to remain calm even when you want to shout, “That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard.”   Your approach needs to be composed, reflecting your respect for your teen.  Remember the warning found in Colossians 3:21: do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.

Communication should start with sharing yourself, not lecturing; I am glad you are home from school, I miss our times together.  Which statement would make you feel more like sharing?  “You never talk with me, and you purposely keep things from me.”  Or, this statement:  “I sometimes feel that you don’t feel comfortable sharing about your life with me; how can I make you more comfortable?”

Congratulations, you are the parent of a teenager and, once you were a teenager.  Yes, things have changed; look at the world from your teen’s perspective. Remember the saying: “Try walking around in the other person’s shoes for a day.” Don’t let the fear of being out of touch keep you from trying.  I find myself using my parents’ jokes about being older than dirt with teens.

Keep reminding yourself a lack of a response does not mean your teen is not listening.  Haim Ginott, the author of Between Parent and Child, notes, “Children are like wet cement – whatever falls on them makes an impression.”   Charles Swindoll adds this advice: “Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”  Don’t give up; your teens are listening.

Like the compassion of a father for his children is the compassion of Yahweh, for them who revere him.  Psalms 103:13

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.