Love at First Sight?

Were you madly in love with…  Frankie Valli, Elvis Presley, Annette Funicello, Claudia Schiffer, George Clooney, or Adam Levine?  How you answer this question may indicate your age.  Although age is not the subject of today’s column, love verses infatuation is.

Yes, if we are honest with ourselves, we all at some point in time had a mad crush on someone.  A million girls screaming at the sight of the latest heartthrob shows us how a “Hollywood image” can manipulate our thinking.

That’s “Hollywood”; what about real life?  You’ve met someone.  The first time you met, you couldn’t stop looking at him/her.  You fought staring but could not turn away.  When your friends said they would introduce you, your heart felt like it was going to pound out of your chest.  You couldn’t think what to say and found yourself just babbling.  You could not decide if you were thrilled or terrified.  You just knew that you were uncontrollably drawn to him/her.  Everything about that person made you swoon; his smile, the way she tossed her hair, his laugh, the color of her eyes.

We’ve all had electrifying moments.  So how do you know if this is true love?  Here are seven attributes that point to the difference between love and infatuation.  Answer yes or no to these questions?

Discernment.  Do you have a good understanding of the other person?  Have you fallen in love with an image or with the real person?

Focal Point.  Is your focus on one person?  Is the other person’s focus on you?  All relationships face problems, it is much easier to work on problems when you start with the focal point being the other person.  Are you focused on each other; working toward your mutual good?

Refuge.  Do you feel safe, trust the other person, with a feeling of sanctuary?  Infatuation is more dreaming than open-eyed understanding of the other person.  When you think about the other person, do you have a warm comforting feeling about his/her values and goals in life?

Obstructions.  Can you talk about problems and find a solution with which you are both satisfied?  A couple in love needs to be able to identify and work through problems.  If you can’t, are you in love or just infatuated?

Space.  Can you be apart; is there a healthy balance in your relationship?  Do you think that distance makes your heart grow fonder?  A strong loving relationship needs healthy boundaries.  Can you talk through issues of today and the future?  Yes, love does contain a strong desire to be with the other person; love also contains an element of self-sacrifice, the ability to postpone for the mutual growth of the relationship.

Magnetism.  Can you keep your hands off each other?  Ok, I am not asking about joining a monastery.  True love does include your heart skipping a beat and your toes curling when being kissed.  The question here is whether the relationship is mostly about physical attraction or a broader attraction.

Steady.  Would your friends describe your relationship as steady?  Spontaneity is okay in a relationship, but a relationship that changes with every wind is more infatuation than love.  Love grows over time and shows a strong sense of commitment.

A Yes answer would indicate love, a No answer would point to infatuation.

To be realistic, we all start with an adrenaline-filled feeling when we first fall in love.  The challenge is to build a lasting relationship.  Being in love is like planting a tree.  The tree can grow from a small finger size sapling to a huge tree shading a large portion of your yard.  That is if the tree starts with the right care.

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor other, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.  I Corinthians 13:4-8

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin, Hope for Tomorrow Counseling Center.  Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.