Lonely verses Alone

Paul Tillich, one of the great theologians of our time, is quoted as saying “Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone.  It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone.  And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.”

Loneliness, with its many dimensions, is a common experience that many of us have or will experience at some time in our lives.  So what is loneliness?  The definition of loneliness is a feeling of social disconnectedness in which a person wishes that he or she had better social relationships.

Aloneness is not the same as feeling loneliness.  One can be alone but not lonely.  Loneliness is the feeling that we are missing a desired level of meaningful social relationship.  The description of a meaningful relationship that causes us to avoid loneliness is very personal.  Lonely people often feel disconnected in their relationships and socially awkward; if you describe yourself as lonely you may also struggle with depression, anxiety, insecurity and the feeling you will never find friendship.

Loneliness isn’t just the lack of friends; it is a feeling generated by our thoughts.  What do you see when you look in the mirror?  Do you tell yourself you are looking at a person who is inadequate, full of imperfections; do you say to yourself you “will never have any friends”?  If you answer yes to these questions, your low self-esteem and lack of confidence may stop you from reaching out to people and stop you from building new relationships.

You can be in a negative downward spiral.  You feel lonely and want more from your relationships.  But, you are afraid of rejection.  Your thoughts just increase your feelings of loneliness, your thoughts increase your feeling of ineptness and thus the more isolated you feel.

So you ask now, ok I am lonely, what do I do?  Here are five steps to help you move away from loneliness.

 The author Brennan Manning tells us: suffering, failure, loneliness, sorrow, discouragement, and death will be part of your journey, but the Kingdom of God will conquer all these horrors.  No evil can resist grace forever.  The first step is to accept that you can conquer loneliness.

Recognize you are God’s creation and change your negative self-reflection.  We all can be our own worst critic.  Change your “self-talk” from telling yourself  self-degrading thoughts to affirming messages, such as, “He/She won’t like me” to “I am perfectly lovable.”

Find the strength to avoid isolation.  Isolating yourself can work to support your feelings of worthlessness.

Look at your present relationships to determine if the relationships are supportive or toxic.  It may sound strange, but to change your feeling of loneliness your relationships need to be supportive and you need to eliminate the negative/toxic relationships.

Be proactive and don’t be afraid to take the step to invite people into your life.  As part of examining your present relationships, find one at least supportive person to be part of your life.  Start with one person and invite others into your life.  It can be as simple as having coffee with another person. This will help you feel more known and understood.

Life is too short to waste on suffering from loneliness.  Open up, take a chance, and access the part of you that deserves true and loving companions.  Learn to love yourself and to give yourself peace, freedom, and the opportunity to connect with your deeper self.  A deeply embedded negative psychological thought process supports feeling lonely; having enough friends can never result in feeling secure and lovable.  Building up one’s self-esteem and ability to love, respect, and care for oneself is fundamental in solving and healing the conditions that create chronic loneliness.  This process can also help you recognize the importance of being alone and enjoying solitude.

Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous!  Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin, Hope for Tomorrow Counseling Center.