Jet Skis, Motorcycles and Mud Holes

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

Sunday I watched as my son, wife and friend turned my beautiful pond into a mud hole.  It isn’t a problem, it will settle out. And besides, if it makes them happy it makes me happy.

As I often tell people, anything that makes my bride happy without making me unhappy is a good thing.  So far I have declined to test drive the Jet Ski our son fixed a few weeks ago. It reminds me of a motorcycle and I avoid them.

You should understand I have nothing against motorcycles. Actually I love to ride them but I decided years ago I would never ride one again. Just after our kids were born we stopped by a friend’s house. He offered to let me ride his new (for him) bike.  I accepted and had a wonderful ride.  Then I went to Farmville and canceled my motorcycle license.

Everyone should be honest with themselves and honestly I don’t have enough sense to ride one.  I did the wheelie thingy, slid around a few corners and maybe exceeded a speed limit. The wind rushing through the holes in my head was exhilarating.

On the other hand, I realized I now had a wife, kids and obligations and not enough life insurance.  My friend who worked in a transplant hospital says they aren’t called donor-cycles for nothing.

My uncle bought a motorcycle and tried skydiving when he was almost 80. He said his wife was gone and no one else was depending on him so he was going to do some of the things he couldn’t do when he was younger.

I have always suspected that anytime you straddle almost anything (especially something with multiple horsepower) it diminishes brain function.  At least that is the case in my case.

Actually with me it doesn’t even take multiple horse power. When I had a horse there were only two speeds, stopped and dead run.

This Jet Ski has more horsepower than my little van and is one fourth the size and at this point in my life I can’t afford to diminish my brain function anymore.

As proof of my brain function theory, of the four of us testing the Jet Ski I am the only one who usually crowds the rules. My bride, friend and son are typically well-individuals. Imagine my surprise when after watching them riding while laughing manically they decided we should go to the lake.

I reminded them the ski wasn’t registered or licensed yet. I reminded them there were officers on the lake and I reminded them that a ticket would cost more than I paid for the junk Jet Ski.

This was a total role reversal. I am usually the one they talk out of things. On the other hand, I hadn’t been straddling 180 horsepower, cutting donuts, figure eights and causing a pond to have three foot waves.  My brain was still functioning at full capacity whatever that is.

They also gave the Grand-brats rides which moved the age range for the diminished brain capacity down to age three.  I can now attest to that from three to eighty straddling things is not good for mental capacity.  The eyes glaze and then…

On a side note I have noticed most adults avoid stepping into mud puddles. They walk around them. On the other hand kids of single digit ages just can’t resist them. Yesterday one of mine attempted to jump over one at least four feet wide.

I don’t know if he overestimated his jumping ability or underestimated the size of the puddle or didn’t care. In any case he was wet to his knees.