I Shouldn’t Feel this Way

Many therapy sessions begin with a person, in obvious pain, saying I shouldn’t feel this way.  I shouldn’t be grieving.  I shouldn’t have low self-esteem.  I shouldn’t worry.  I shouldn’t hurt.  I shouldn’t be frustrated or angry.  The person won’t allow himself to express his emotions or to talk about the situation causing the negative emotions.  In addition to painful emotions, the person often adds shame to the list of unaddressed emotions.  The reason for coming to counseling is not to acknowledge his or her painful emotions but to find a way to “just get over it.”

Why is it so many people keep negative emotions locked up inside, just attempting to tough it out?  For a variety of reasons, we all, at times, have trouble facing our pain.  We try to avoid pain out of fear.  We fear that we will be totally overwhelmed if we open to the hurt of the emotions.  We feel guilt and shame about even having the negative emotions.  Our upbringing may have taught us to think that we should be able to handle our emotions and that showing emotions is a sign of weakness.  Emotional pain is like physical pain, it has a cause.  We need to remember that pain is a warning sign that there is something wrong.  The truth is that no matter how much you might not want to feel a certain way, the emotion will remain unresolved despite your efforts to ignore it.  Pain will not just go away.

How many times have you heard: don’t listen to your feelings, or don’t be led by the flesh?  It is easy to begin to believe that other people do not have negative emotions.  However, this is not the case.  God created and gave us all of our emotions.  The New Testament is full of examples of Jesus showing a full range of emotions.  In view of that, feelings must have a value and purpose.  Like all things in life, emotions must have their boundaries.  It is unhealthy for you to focus on your emotions to the point your emotions control your life.  Alternatively, it is not healthy to put minimal emphasis on your feelings.  Care must be taken to balance your emotions between letting them totally overwhelm your life and avoiding your emotions to the point you become emotionally stuck.

Emotions enhance our lives.  Our emotions help us experience the wonders of life.  What would life be like if we did not experience joy, surprise, appreciation, curiosity, wonder, success, and affection?  Emotions are a key part of building relationships.  Emotions are the foundation of building a solid relationship.  Lastly, our bodies give us information through our emotions.  Emotions can be a warning sign; anxiety can point to an unaddressed situation in our life.  Emotions both point to positive aspects of our life as well as pointing to a situation we should addressed.

Are your negative emotions leaving you feeling numb, stuck, afraid, or overwhelmed?  Are you ignoring the warning signs of unaddressed negative emotions?  Do you think that suppressing your feelings is a sign of maturity?  Emotions, both positive and negative help us.  It is important to acknowledge all of our feelings, understand the events of life that created the emotions and make the events of life and the emotions part of the fabric of our life.  We cannot heal in reverse order, no matter how much we might want to “just get over it.”  Next week we talk about how to process our negative emotions.

There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven, a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to embrace and a time to avoid embracing, a time to search and a time to count as lost, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate.    Ecclesiates 3

Cheryl Gowin, and Dennis Gowin, Hope for Tomorrow Counseling Center.  Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.