Help from those Gov’mit guys

Here we are in Stump County, Virginia trying to make some sense out of the news coming out of Washing Town. Seems like a lot of politicians think bailing out some businesses with other business’s money is the way to make things better.

All of us living here have written letters offering to let them bail us out too.  Ludd always wants help bailing out his boat every time he goes fishing.  This has been going on for so long he can’t even find a fishing buddy.  If he would just drag that old Jon boat up on the bank and turn it downside up, it would be dry and ready to fish. Lots of times planning ahead and patching small holes makes bailing unnecessary.

Another Stump County “fisherman,” Lynwood, thinks he has the best shot at getting some Government help bailing his boat.  Lyn’s boat has been sitting on the bottom of the lake ever since that ugly fishing accident where he dropped a stick of dynamite with a short fuse between his feet.

We all know no amount of bailing is going to float that boat but Lo Quascious, who is the only one of us who has ever been to the city, says that’s just the sort of thing the Government will want to help.

Lo says the bigger the boat, the bigger the hole, and the more likely the Government will want to help.

He presented a plan to fill feedbags with dollar bills and throw them at the hole.

We just heard on Elmira’s radio (you remember Elmira Dogbox, she is still living in her family home on the last two acres of the Flat Broke But Still Proud Plantation) that those smart city fellers want to bail out the stock market.  They’ve got a job on their hands there.  Clem hasn’t cleaned that place in over twenty years.  He says he wants to be like the Gov’mit: the deeper the manure, the more stuff it covers up and the happier folks are.

It must be over six feet deep there; when the floor gets to close to the roof, Clem raises the roof. All of us are hoping the Gov’mit will try to bail it out so we can watch. Clem is already selling tickets and charging extra if they show up on pig day.  He thinks he can keep a crew busy bailing for years. He says they can bail on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and with the sales on Tuesday and Thursday, the manure will just keep getting deeper.

Well, a bunch of Gov’mit guys came looking at Lin’s boat.  Each of them has a different plan.  The only thing they agree on is the bags need to be filled with hundred dollar bills instead of singles.  Other than that, one wants to use fertilizer bags, another flour bags, another feedbags and so on.  Then they can’t decide if the bags should be thrown from the bank or from a boat.  There was a big argument about whether they should throw them from the left or right, throw them in the morning or at night…

It looks like they are going to try all of that.  Lo says that’s so when it doesn’t work each of them can blame one of the others and everyone will be happy.

The three worst things that can happen are Sharing the two-holer with a rattlesnake, Finding out you are squattin over a yellow jackets nest while you are doing your business in the woods, and having some guy in a fancy suit say “I’m from the Gov’mit and I’m here to help.”

All I can say is poor little Stump County was doing better before all of those Gov’mit guys showed up to help.