Happy Thanksgiving

Several people have sent me the following invitation issued by a Grandma somewhere out there to join her for Thanksgiving dinner.  It is credited to several writers but I could not pin it down to just one.  I will only give excerpts from this Grandma’s invitation:

Dear Family,

I’m not dead yet and Thanksgiving is important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.          

Dinner is at 2:00; not 2:15, not 2:30, but 2:00 p.m.  Arrive late and you get what’s left over. Last year that moron, Marshall, fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house.  This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Remember, you don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving or any time needing to use the oven and the stove.

The house rules are slightly different this year because I’ve decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things!  Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem.

House Rules:

The television stays off during the meal no matter what football team is playing.

The “no cans for kids” rule still exists.  We are using 2-liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two! Parents can refill a child’s cup and all of the cups will have names on them.

Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy.  That is a fact of life.  Your children can eat healthy at your home but at my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

I cook with bacon grease.  That’s nothing new.  Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs.  Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it.  That’s why it tastes so good.

Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space. Same goes for Jell-O salad. Don’t bring them!

I do not like cell phones.  Leave them in the car. No texting when you should be talking with each other.

I do not like video cameras.  There will be 32 people here.  I’m sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

Words mean things.  I say what I mean.  Let me repeat:  You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything.  If I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said.  This is NOT difficult.

Dominoes and cards are better and quieter than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch.  That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids!

Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids.  I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over.  Watch your kids and I’ll watch my nice things!

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer.  Drink until it is gone.  I prefer wine anyway but one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love you,

Grandma