Everything’s Against the Law in Sneezeville

Sneezeville is in an uproar. All those big-shots up in Richtown have been trying to pass a law that makes baggy pants with underwear showing illegal. There is even talk of seceding from the union again. The only problem with that is that it didn’t go so well the last time we tried it.

If we couldn’t make it with General Lee and Jeff Davis we sure can’t do it led by Major Slump. Every time he’d shout “Charge!” we’d all want to know what he is charging us for this time and how much.

In any case, if it passes we won’t have much choice. Overalls are just naturally baggy and this time of year, every man and some of the women are still wearing long johns. You just can’t wear overalls and long johns this time of year without them showing. If this law is passed, it will make criminals out of most of Sneezeville. Now, we know we have our share of criminals, but most of ours haven’t been convicted yet.

The town council saw this as a chance to raise money and proposed a town ordinance regulating the number of shirt buttons that will be permitted to be unbuttoned. The debate was intense. Several council members wanted to require all buttons to be buttoned while in public. Others thought one or two buttons were unacceptable.  The final ordinance was six pages long and a masterpiece of compromise.

In brief, citizens in Sneezeville are allowed to have one button unbuttoned in public. Violators will be fined on a sliding scale depending on occupation, undergarments, and appearance of the chest exposed. An exemption was added for Loretta GrandeTeton. This exemption was proposed by the beautification committee and resulted in a divided vote. Two factions voted in favor of the exemption. They were the beautification committee and the health and safety committee. “If them buttons start popping there won’t be a safe citizen in town,” stated one member who asked to remain anonymous. All of these laws are beginning to cause problems. Raymond Schull just finished one of those professional saw-sharpening courses. He rented a building, bought some files, and opened for business. Things were going great until Officer Bustah Butts told him he had to close down or face criminal prosecution. It seems like there is another state law that says “Ray Shull’s Pro Filing” is illegal. It’s getting so there is a law against everything.