Don’t Fence Me In

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Do you remember the song “Don’t Fence Me In,” Roy Rogers on Trigger singing, give me land,  a lot of land under starry skies above, don’t fence me in?  Is that the way you feel about setting boundaries in your life?  That your setting boundaries would be limiting you, making you feel unhappy?

The opposite is actually the situation.  Many people find that their stresses in life are a product of weak or non-existent personal boundaries. “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end, and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.” Henry Cloud

Being able to say yes and no to others, so we stop feeling like a puppet whose strings are controlled by someone else is the foundation of boundaries.  Megan LeBoutillier put it well when she said, “Believe it or not, ‘NO’ is a complete sentence — and it’s okay to say it whenever you need to, without fear or guilt. Yet many of us find it hard to say ‘no’ because our personal boundaries have become so eroded that we scarcely know where we stop, and other people begin.”   

Here are three top reasons people give for not setting boundaries and the counter-argument for the need to set boundaries.

Reason 1.  Setting a boundary is selfish, and I don’t want to put myself first.

Yes, boundaries are a part of self-care.  Also, they are healthy, natural, and necessary.  Paul told Timothy to take care of himself.  As well, the Bible has many examples of Jesus taking time for himself, going away to pray, not dropping everything, to respond to every request.

Reason 2.  I don’t want to hurt anyone by setting boundaries.

Are your boundaries designed to hurt others or to help you manage your life?  Do you use boundaries to create problems or as a means of keeping your life in order?  Melody Beattie is the author of several books on co-dependency.  She writes, “Letting go helps us to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress.”

Reason 3.  I can’t set boundaries because other people won’t honor them, and they will just be mad.

Yes, you are changing how you act.  Your family and friends may like that you don’t set boundaries, never say no and that you accept responsibility for everything.  That makes their life easy.  However, you are falling apart.  The healthy reaction is to be ready with open communications about their frustrations, and your need for boundaries.   Many people understand the concept of boundaries, want you to honor their boundaries, but don’t want others to have boundaries.  Tell your family and friends Dr. Laurie Buchanan’s observation, “Just as we expect others to value our boundaries, it’s equally important for us to respect the boundaries of others.”

Understanding the theory of setting boundaries is relatively simple.  However, actually changing our way of interacting with others by maintaining healthy boundaries is a different problem.  Your first step to learning the skill of healthy boundaries is to accept you need boundaries.  That is, agree that boundaries are the basis of a life where we allow God and our God-given self to be in control, and not the whims of others.

Now you ask, how do I put boundaries into my life?  The book, Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townson, is a great tool and a useful place to start.  It’s an easy read and will help you set healthy boundaries.  Lastly, remember the words of Benjamin Franklin, “Love thy neighbor, yet don’t pull down your hedge.”

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.