Distressed Furniture, Golf Pencils, and Sofas

My brother and I are doing some repairs on our mother’s home. Normally, I can do most repairs with the exception of door locks. I have an issue with locks. Any homeowner can install a lock, I cannot. Two screws and they work. In my case, locks either stay locked all of the time or never lock. I can’t do a lock.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

In this case we are installing the latest innovation in flooring. Sibling has done this before; I never use anything until it has been around for a century or so. I believe in the test of time.

The brother is employed in what is called a “white collar job.” I on the other hand have neither employment, collar, nor job. I have a green tee-shirt situation. Actually, I intended on drinking coffee and watching him until I learned how to do the job but he declined to be accommodating. First, he “accidentally” spilled my coffee. Then he gave me a pencil stub and told me to cut boards to specific lengths. I pointed out that professional people should be able to purchase new pencils or at least nab one from his daughter. I then learned that his pencil stubs are actually golf pencils. Those stubby little guys are made that way. I figure they cut off regular pencils and give the little stubs to golfers. I once watched a golf game and never figured it out. It seems that the object of the game is to see how much frustration the golfer can stand. Trying to write with the tiny pencils, losing them, and hunting for them must be part of the stress. Speaking of stress, we were in a very expensive furniture store once (by accident). They were selling furniture that looked like it had been shipped loose piled in the back of the truck. It had chips, scars, scratches, dings, dents, bruises, and abrasions. I thought we were at a scratch and dent sale.

It turned out that this was done to the furniture on PURPOSE. It is called “distressed” furniture and costs more than un-stressed furniture. New furniture is beaten with chains and hammers to make it look old and more attractive. Where is the furniture liberation front when you need it?

I was distressed that people would actually buy it. Then I realized, everything in our home is distressed. Most of our furniture came from my favorite stores, which are also known as trash dumpsters.

Who would have thought that tossing a chair into a dumpster would actually increase the value? What distresses me the most is that I didn’t think of it first. I could have charged people for beating up furniture and releasing their frustrations, maybe after a golf game. Then I could sell the furniture at a one percent profit.

I guess to be accurate our furniture is re-stressed. It was new, it was distressed, then it was thrown away and re-stressed. Management will be delighted to find out our “old junk” is now valuable. I intend to abuse it every chance I get and further increase its value. I also intend to point out that my personal scars, dents and abrasions should make me more valuable and attractive, and I’m getting better every day.

I saw another distressing thing this week. There were four large women dressed in a bright green pattern I think is called brocade. There were magnolia blossoms on them. I’ve never seen that pattern before except on furniture and magnolia trees.

They reminded me of a living room suite, with heads. They even had those matching pillows. I thought about sitting on them. They looked comfortable, but I was afraid they might take offense.

I’m not sure if they were on their way to a costume party, were shoplifting furniture, or just wanted to look distressed. If you have three large chairs and a sofa missing the fabric, I know where it went.