Chunk That Punkin’

Tomorrow is Friday, two days after Halloween. Is your jack o’ lantern still posing on the front steps, or worse yet, in your living room window? Well, you know what happens next. Yuck.

You spent a lot of time scooping out the stringy, gooey mess from inside the pumpkin. You might have carefully picked out the seeds to be roasted in the oven with a little garlic salt. So how do you properly dispose of this work of art… this masterpiece of vegetable carving genius…this supreme effort to keep the ghosties and ghoulies away? Hope it worked, by the way, and your trees remain unadorned by rolls of Charmin.

Quickly, before the face of the jack o’ lantern begins to collapse in on itself, organize a funeral. Have the kids pick out a spot in the yard and dig an appropriately sized hole. Thank the punkin for its service and slam dunk it into the hole. There’s something inherently satisfying in the thunk it makes and watching it explode into a million slimy pieces. Amen.

In Boston, they’ve set a record for lighting a few thousand carved punkins. So what do you do with all those gourds? Shot put, of course. This can be a healthy neighborhood activity and relieve a little stress at the same time. Line up all the participants, moms included, and see who can heave that thing the farthest. Weights and girths must be considered – pumpkin weights and girths, that is – not the punkin putters. The grand prize of course should be a set of carving knives.

Really sick of all those little urchins panhandling on your front porch?

Have a jack o’ lantern cocktail! Mix apricot brandy, lemon juice, Tennessee whiskey, and…oops, that has nothing to do with a pumpkin. Oh, have one or two anyway. Relax.

If you’ve always been fascinated by the Headless Horseman, create your own version. Hey, the nose and eyes are already poked out, you can see and breathe. Now all you need is a long black cape and an obliging neighbor with a horse. Wreak havoc! Gallop through the neighborhood, with or without your head in your hands.  Scare all those little beggars that hit you up for chocolate last night. And of course, the finale will be to fling your head at Scrooge! No, wait, that’s a different holiday. Hey, I’m sure you’ll have some other target in mind. And don’t forget to return the horse.

Okay, I admit it. There’s not really anything constructive to do with a dead jack o’ lantern. Anyway, I hope your Halloween was fun and you received no tricks.

May all the faithful, spooky, brightly lit, under-employed jack o’ lanterns rest in peace, wherever they end up.