Boats, Lawnmowers and Other Wrecks

A while back I wrote that the proper use of a garden tiller was to buy one, put a cup of gas in it, use it for 10 minutes and then cover it with a washtub or a blue tarp and let it sit for a few years. Then you clean it up and sell it and the new owner does the same thing.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

This week I realized the same process applies to boats. You buy them, work on them, take them to the lake a few times and then cover them with a tarp and let them sit for a few years.  Not that I would do that.

According to Patrick McManus, boats have another cycle. That is, you buy a small boat and then you keep having to get bigger and better boats. McManus even claims boats have a tendency to grow if left alone. He claims he once bought a little 16-footer that grew to 24-footer on the way home.

Since he is one of my favorite writers I’m going to believe he is possibly correct although, of course that won’t happen to me or with my boat. The main reason for this is I don’t have a boat. Last year I bought a sailboat to resell but my bride Management and my son claimed it.

Then my son bought a bigger boat so now they each have a boat. Until yesterday I didn’t have a boat. What happened was reasonable and sensible. A few weeks ago I was the high bidder on a 36-foot sailboat with a basement door.  The previous owner ran it into some rocks.

For some reason they rejected my generous bid of thirty dollars.

This week there was another boat about the same size for sale. Just for stuff and giggles I bid 30 bucks. This one was an absolute auction so now I have a boat.  According to the boat experts the two best days of boat ownership are the day you buy it and the day you sell it. That is not going to be the case here.

You have to keep in mind I bought it yesterday BUT I still haven’t seen it. In fact I’ve only seen pictures of the outside (which as a boat owner and nautical type I should say,” I’ve only seen pictures of the hull.”) The inside may be anything. The hull could have soft spots.  All I know for sure is it is mine and it apparently doesn’t have a basement door.

Another interesting fact is that I often buy things like this to resell. If it happens that my judgment was in error or that I paid too much or if the item turns out to be useless, the son will laugh at “Dad’s deal.”

In the case I made a great buy, the son’s version changes to “WE made a great deal.”

The experts also say “a boat is a hole in the water into which you throw money.” They are right on that. First I bought it. Then I paid twice what I paid for it in auction fees. It is going to cost me twice that to get it moved from the sale lot and twice that to get it moved to here.

If it is in fair shape I made a heck of a deal on a boat. If it is in poor shape then I made a heck of a deal on a playhouse for the Grand-brats. It will only cost me twice what I’ve spent so far to get a hole dug beside the pond to put it in.

I was pleased to see the number of boats for sale that have been wrecked. That way when I wreck one I won’t be the first.

Speaking of wrecking, I just ran Management’s new (er) lawnmower into the back wall of the shop. This is only my fourth lawnmower wreck. Management is under the mistaken impression that I am the only person in the world who consistently wrecks lawnmowers. She often refers to the time I hit the well digging machine. She thinks I should have noticed it since it had been sitting in the same place for three years, was thirteen feet tall and was painted red and lime green.

She also thinks I should have learned what I am doing wrong and correct it so it doesn’t happen again.

In the first place I don’t think I am the only lawnmower wrecker on the planet.  Surely someone out there has done the same. I may be the only person who admits to wrecking lawnmowers but I find it hard to believe I am the only one who wrecks them.

Regarding the other issue I know exactly what I am doing wrong-I just haven’t figured out how to not do it.