2017: Resolve to be Happy

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Did you know that one of the top five 2017 resolutions made was to be happier?  Was that your resolution?  Do you have any idea how to be happier?  Will a new job, a new car, losing weight or earning more money make you happier?  Amazingly, the studies show that these things will not make you happy.

A 75-year longitudinal study at Harvard University found that the source of happiness is good relationships.  Dr.  Robert Waldinger, in summarizing the finding of this study, pointed to the three attributes of happiness: close relationships, quality (not quantity) of relationships, and a stable, supportive marriage.

So what does it take to build a good relationship?  Would you be surprised if the answer was that techniques to build a relationship don’t work?  The answer is not what you do but who you are that is the cornerstone to building strong relationships.  A strong relationship develops out of being a certain kind of person.  Your focus should be on who you are in a relationship not on what you can do or how to change the other person.  Let’s look at what you should be in a relationship.

Be a Good Listener.  The ability to listen and understand what another person is saying is fundamental to a strong relationship.  Do you have the habit of interrupting or jumping to a conclusion when listening to someone talk?  Reflective listening is a method for insuring you are hearing what someone says.  In reflective listening, you summarize what you have just heard by responding first, with what I heard you say is …..  Paraphrasing shows, you are tuned into and you care about what is being said.

Be Empathic.  Have you heard the Cherokee saying Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.  To be in a relationship, you have to understand the other person’s feelings and reactions.  Taking the time to see the world from another’s point of view brings empathy for others into your relationships.

Be a Safe Place.  A close relationship compels a mutual feeling of security.  Would you be open and honest to someone you did not trust?  How would you react to someone who did not keep their promises, who did not keep a secret or who talked about you behind your back?  Trust is earned and you are the key to earning someone’s trust.

Be Respectful.  To be part of a strong relationship you must show respect for others’ feelings.  In the face of loss or disappointment, make yourself available to talk.  Be respectful of others’ needs and allow them space to process their feelings.  Show respect by not ignoring someone.  There is nothing that shows a lack of respect more than being treated as if you don’t exist.

Be a Helper.  How often do you offer to help others?  Help can be tangible: baby-sitting, mowing the lawn or running an errand.  Help can be emotional: providing reassurance, complimenting or lifting up a friend to help him/her see the way through a difficult time.  Dionne Warwick expressed this sentiment in That’s What Friends Are For when she sang: Knowing you can always count on me for sure, that’s what friends are for.  For good times and bad times, I’ll be on your side forever more.  That’s what friends are for.

Ecclesiastes provides an illustrious parable on relationships and happiness.

There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother.  There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.  For whom am I toiling, he asked, and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?  This too is meaningless, a miserable business!

 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.  If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.  But, pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.  Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.  But, how can one keep warm alone?  Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  Ecclesiastes 4:7-12

Welcome to 2017!

Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.