Parenting: Love, Consistency and the Three “D’s”

Have you seen the latest news flash … parenting isn’t easy?  Ok, that’s not new news.  Have you ever wished for a parent’s instruction manual for raising kids – Raising Kids for Dummies?  But you know your husband won’t read a manual anyway.  (That’s a topic for another time).  Regretfully children don’t come with instruction manuals.  One reason is each child is unique, with different personalities, dreams, and reactions.  A specific instruction manual would not work with all kids.  However, there are some general tools that parents can use. 

First, all aspects of parenting must be built on, wrapped in, and infused with love and consistency.

We are instructed to love one another as Jesus loved us.  (John 13:34) This implies that love is an action.  So how does one love?

Love is a basic human need, a strong force in our lives, yet hard to explain.  Just listen to country/western songs, and you hear the entire gamut of the angst of love.  The Bible uses the term agape to pinpoint a specific definition of love.  Agape is unconditional love based on the decision to give love and not on what the person receiving the love does or deserves.  Agape love is consistent; it doesn’t change, even when the person receiving the love changes.  Unconditional love is a consistent commitment on the part of the one who loves.

You may be familiar with the famous description of love from I Corinthians 13:4-7.  “Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy.  Love doesn’t brag, is not proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Here is this verse put in words for a parent.  Be patient, kind, humble, and willing to not have things go your way.  Don’t let your kids’ behavior provoke you to act inappropriately.  Don’t keep a log of your children mistakes.  Make the decision to be consistent, showing patience and acceptance.  Never use fear and intimidation.  Even when your kids push all your buttons, react with patience, kindness and never act rudely.  Look for and recognize their best, no matter how hard it is to see. 

The next step in parenting is the ongoing balancing act between the three tasks of developing, directing, and disciplining. 

Developing is loving your child to bring out his or her best and build the best aspects while refining those characteristics in need of change.  Your goal is to help your child develop a healthy sense of self.  This doesn’t mean highlighting your child’s strengths while ignoring issues.  Developing means building on strengths and strengthening weaknesses.   Lovingly smoothing rough edges while emphasizing the best in your child.

Directing is, simply, parents being the GPS for their child’s life.  Life presents your child with many decisions and directions he or she can take.  These decisions lead to a maze of outcomes; some outcomes are better than others.  We want our children to make good decisions.  You can help your children learn to look to you as a trusted advisor with loving, consistent directions.  Directing includes showing your children through your own actions the best way.  It also includes teaching your children by explaining the “whys” underlying your recommended choice.  Help your child understand your goal is to pass on what you learned from your experiences and to help them develop decision-making skills. 

Discipline is probably the most challenging aspect of parenting; it is a struggle to determine the correct level and methods of discipline.  Discipline requires an authoritative role, exercising power over your child’s life.  Studies have shown that the most critical aspect of discipline is love and consistency.

Instruction manuals start with listing the tools you need.  If Raising Kids for Dummies existed, the tool list would begin with prayer.  The best tool you have as a parent is prayer.  Remember, children are a gift from the Lord and a reward from Him.

 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6   

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.