Wheels, Testosterone and Trucks

A lady I know often says something to the effect of, “If it has wheels, testosterone or a motor, it WILL give you trouble.”

Well, my argument is that the reverse should also be true. If it doesn’t have “wheels etc,” it won’t give you any trouble. Since I don’t have wheels, a motor or use four syllable words, I can’t be any trouble at all.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

Management happens to agree with the lady, although I don’t know why since we’ve never had any trouble with any of the aforementioned items.

A few years ago, I bought some parts on eBay for Management’s car. There were only two small problems. One was that the parts were still attached to a car and the other was that they were located in California. On a positive note, since the car was listed in the model car category instead of automotive I didn’t pay much for it. I had the parts I needed removed and shipped to me. Now I was the owner of a car in California on which I had to pay storage if I didn’t move it. I listed it back on eBay, this time as a car.

As I was listing it, I happened to see a 1938 Dodge truck for sale. I didn’t really need or want the ‘38 but I did have some vacant space in the yard. It just seemed a natural match for the other cars and trucks I have tastefully sprinkled around our property. Every time the parts car got a bid, I bid the same amount on the Dodge. It was just a game; I knew I wouldn’t get it. Somehow, when the auction was over I had sold a car in California and bought a truck in Michigan. Before I told Management about the truck I said, “Honey, did you know Michigan is 3500 miles closer than California?” Then, I reminded her that we had boxes of parts on the way for HER car. Then I waited until she didn’t have anything in her hand she could throw and I said, “I just bought a truck in Michigan. We have to go get it.” She was delighted.

It was a wonderful trip, being alone with Management is Eden. The beauty of the blizzard on the way out was surpassed by the ice storm on the way back. By the way, when Michigan predicts six inches of snow, it doesn’t fall flake by flake like in Virginia, just sort of “Fwump” and it’s there. We did have fair warning. Before the snow, we noticed highway department trucks (BIG highway trucks, REALLY big trucks the size of our first home) waiting on the shoulders of the road. They were spaced every mile or so, just waiting. It reminded us of runners waiting for the gunshot. We should have suspected something was going to happen. Then, “Fwump.” It snowed six inches and they went to work. We stopped.

We finally got the truck loaded and started home. We learned many things. First, tollbooths have two levels of ticket dispensers. One is for semi trucks and one for cars. When you have a truck on top of a truck, you activate the top ticket. This requires a stepladder or standing on top of the truck to get the ticket.

The rest of the trip was uneventful. Just the usual flat tires, policemen, and sliding through an ice-covered parking lot at 60 miles an hour and then back on the interstate. That last could have been exciting if anything had been in the way, but everyone else had stayed home because of the storm. After we repaired the broken axle on the trailer in Pennsylvania, we did encounter one major problem. For over 100 miles, there wasn’t a single coffee stop on the road. I’m going to quit traveling if that happens again. I wouldn’t mind some excitement but no coffee is going too far.