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We’re Freezin’!

   Written by on January 8, 2015 at 11:19 am

We just heard on the radio that some guy named Artic Vortex is raising Cain all over the country. Whoever he is, here in Stump County it is just to dadgum cold for us to worry about him.

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia.  Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century.  The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary.  He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel. 

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia.  Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century.  The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary.  He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel.

Ezray says he was killin’ hogs and the fire under the scaldin’ tub froze. He had to take the fire into the house to thaw it out enough to burn.

Somehow this cold has somethin’ to do with that Global Warming they kept warning us about. When we called that Al Bore feller to ask him about it. He said they had to change the name from Global Warming to Climate Change because of folks like us. He said we were too stupid to understand that Global Warming didn’t mean things were going to get warmer. He says Global Warming has meant extreme weather all along and every intelligent person understood that “warming” meant warmer OR colder.

Ezray wanted me to call him back and ask if we could get a little of the extra warming delivered to Stump County.

We know we’re just dumb country folks here but we thought words meant things and warm meant a higher temperature. Ol Dan’l Webster thought so too so we may not be as dumb as Al Bore thinks. Dan’l has a better reputation for accuracy and integrity anyway.

Last night it was something below zero. The only way you can use “below zero” and warming in the same sentence is, “It was below zero but it warmed all the way up to 10 degrees.” “It’s still cold enough to freeze…” Let’s just say there is an expected decline in the birth rate for brass monkeys this year.

That health care for the Universe that Yo Mama pushed through is going to cause a bucket full of problems for Stump County. They want us to sign up on a computer. Stump County is still trying to get electricity and telephones.

The other problem is there is one plan with four prices. You can get a bronze plan with a $4500 deductible. We’re still laughing on that one. Iffen you can’t afford insurance you sure as heck can’t afford a deductible like that. You might as well not have anything. And that’s every year.

Or you can upgrade to a silver plan. That’s the bronze plan with a $3500 deductible. All that means is you will pay the extra up front as a premium. It will still cost you an extra $4500 if you get sick.

This here Yo Mama Care don’t do a thing for po’ folks. When you ain’t got it, five bucks or five thousand are as impossible as flying to the moon.

All this does is hep out the rich folks who can already pay fo insurance.

Last week the school called and asked me to talk to the chaps about Politics. I told the chaps that Poly was from a Greek word that meant many and we all know that ticks are nasty little blood sucking vermin. That means Poly-ticks means many nasty little blood sucking vermin.

The school ma’am said I was wrong and that I was confusing the chaps. I told her the chaps would find out I was right just about the time they got jobs and started payin’ taxes.

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