Weather Persons, Profanity, and Factors

I have decided to become a weatherperson. Actually, I don’t want to be a weatherperson, I just want to have the option of being wrong and still say I was right. Those guys and girls have it made. “There is a 99%chance of snow in the mid-east states” If it snows he was right, if it doesn’t he was still right. From now on, I intend to use percentages for everything. Management just called and asked what I was fixing for supper. There is a 23 percent chance it will be Chicken and Dumplings and a 98.6 percent chance of peanut putter and jelly.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

I have a bank payment due tomorrow. Right now, there is a 67.2 percent chance that I will make it on time. I can say, there is a 67.2 percent chance of making my payment on time with the possibility of my checking balance reaching zero or below within two days. Optimistically, I expect flurries of small checks arriving tomorrow, with a possibility of an unexpected windfall by late evening. There is also a significant chance of a drought and of no checks. There is a 99 percent chance of Management’s temperature rising drastically should the account drop below 0 and into a negative situation. Following the temperature rise, some thunder and lightning may be expected. Typically, events of this nature are followed by a cooling trend and marked frigidity later in the evening.

The weather person just said the temperature was 10 degrees with a wind-chill factor making it zero. Last summer it was 94 degrees with a heat index making it 104. What is this? Isn’t 10 degrees cold enough? Isn’t 94 degrees hot enough? Does everything have to sound worse than it is? I intend to adopt this also.

From now on everything I do will be qualified with a “factor” to make it better or worse. For instance, my account may not have had enough money but the optimism factor raised it to just enough.

A Police officer once told me my tires didn’t have enough tread to pass inspection. I now know that the poverty factor added 40 percent and they were still legal. I can’t wait to try the wind-chill factor on a judge. Your honor, I was driving 75 mph but it was 20 degrees outside and when you subtract for the wind- chill factor, I was only going 58.”

Actually, I can wait, so you try it and let me know how it works.
I am no longer middle aged. When you subtract the “Mellowing” factor, I am still in my 30’s.

I slid on the ice yesterday and added another dent to my already pre-dented van. Normally I wouldn’t consider this to be worth mentioning. Even after 20 years of marriage, Management doesn’t understand that after the first dent, the rest are not worth mentioning. If she hasn’t noticed within several months, I can say, “Oh, that dent has been there a long time.” A long time is relative. If you are a fruit fly with only 24 hours to live, a long time is 15 minutes. In any case, the “ageing” factor on a dent makes it better. Sort of like fine wine.

The factors should also be factored in at work. “Boss, I know I was only here 8 hours but the “frustration” factor should add several hours of overtime.”

I once bid a job like that. The customer had the foulest mouth I’ve ever heard. I couldn’t believe he used that mouth to eat. Cussing should be for exclamation points not spaces between words. I doubled my bid for a “profanity” factor. Then I doubled it again for a “Blasphemy” factor. For some reason I didn’t get the job. The guy who got it was only three times higher than my un-factored bid. He earned every penny.