We (Animals) Are the World

Most of us in Stump County would never mistreat an animal.  WE believe in taking care of our pets, livestock, wildlife, and each other.

Some new people have moved to town who are members of a national organization called PETA.  Here in rural Stump County we thought it stood for “People Eating Tasty Animals” so I sent in for some information.  I thought I was going to get a recipe book.  Instead, I got a magazine explaining that all animals are equal, including humans.

Their stuff states that animals should not be used for food, clothing, pets, entertainment, education, or anything else. I have to disagree.  Without animals, a lot of us in Stump County would be hungry, naked, lonely, bored, and ignorant. Come to think about it, some of us are anyway.

Then it explained my moral obligation to care for animals.  How can I have a moral obligation to animals if I am equal to animals?  I had a long talk with the dog.  “Dog,” I said, “since we are equal you need to do your share around here.  I bring home the food, serve it, take care of your vet bills, put flea power on you, brush you, and throw rocks for you to chase.  You, eat, sleep, and bark at strangers and chase rocks.  Now that I know you are my equal, I no longer have an obligation to take care of you.  Now we have a partnership and you have to earn your own way. And by the way, no more flea powder.  Those fleas have as much right to life as you.”

Then I went out to the cat.  “Cat,” I said, “that mouse you have is your equal and you have a moral obligation to take care of it.”  My cat must have some mental defect because it not only didn’t seem to understand, it ate the mouse.

Then, I went up to the chicken pen.  “Girls,” I said, “we are equal and as I am not your moral superior, I can no longer be responsible for your welfare.”  The chickens are in trouble.  If they are not in a pen, they will kill and eat insects and small animals, which is wrong.  They will be eaten by foxes, coons, and dogs, which is wrong.  If they are in a pen and I care for them then it is wrong.  I settled on a compromise.  I will trade the chickens 50 lbs of laying mash for five dozen eggs each week.  The only problem will be if they don’t produce enough eggs to pay for their food.  As equals, it would be unfair for me to treat them as dependant lower life forms by giving them food if they haven’t earned it.  This would lower their self-esteem and in all probability lower production even further.  This equality stuff has a lot of conflicts.

According to the PETA magazine, we should all be vegetarians so we don’t harm any animals.  Those of us in the country already know it is impossible to raise vegetables without harming any animals.  When you plow a field, look out snakes, rabbits, mice and birds.  I guess those PETA folks subscribe to the bomb theory.  If you don’t see your victim it doesn’t count.  So if you plow a field anything that gets hurt doesn’t count ‘cause you didn’t see it.

I planted a garden once and they were right, I lived on it all year.  I ate groundhogs, possums, deer, rabbits, crows, terrapins, and even a few of the plants that the animals didn’t eat first.

PETA says I can help solve all of animal problems by sending them (PETA) money.  It seems to me that taking care of the animals I already have would be a better way to spend my money.  Then I realized PETA employees are animals just like the rest of us and need to be taken care of.  Somebody has to pay their salaries so they can eat plants and talk about animal rights since it is impossible to have a real job or life that doesn’t affect animals in some way.