Voters Make a Difference, Even in Stump County

The election for President is coming up and everyone in Stump County is getting ready to vote. Since we are all imaginary our votes won’t count but we are going to vote anyway.

We heard that in the real world there are millions of dead people who are registered to vote. Well, that makes sense. If you are registered to vote and you die your name doesn’t magically disappear from the voting rolls. It’s there but you aren’t so there just ain’t no way you can vote. Somebody could show up and vote in your name but that’s not likely.

I don’t understand why some folks say it isn’t fair to require an ID to vote. Except in Stump County where everybody knows everybody and you couldn’t pretend to be anybody but who you are. ID’s are required in the real world for just about everything.

Here in Stump County you have to be a resident to vote for Bored Supervisors or to be one of the Town Scoundrels. In National Elections, since y’all won’t count us, everybody gets to vote- even the youngun’s.

We make sure the chaps know something about the candidates and understand the importance of voting before they vote. Voting for President is a big deal here. The citizens will have to live with that choice for at least four years. The President will affect our lives, our rights, our freedoms and our finances. This isn’t a random popularity contest. It shouldn’t be the lesser of the evils. You should vote for someone who you can proudly support.

We are all looking forward to the local elections this year. A while back I told you about the Roids, Rants and Rangs who were moving to Stump County. They all want to change things and have things done their way.

What we don’t understand is if there is so much wrong here why did they move here anyway. Well, we understand the Rangs. They were raised here, went somewhere else and boomer-ranged back when they failed in the real world and after mommy and daddy died and left them a place to stay. Remember a rang only returns iffen it misses its target.

The Roids (him-roids and her-roids) moved here because of our low cost of living and so they could act superior to all of us country hicks. They really are a pain in the gluteus Maximus. The funny thing is most of us ignore them and they all hang out together bragging on how much smarter they are than us “ignant” locals.

All of them are running on the same platform. “We may have failed in the real world but we are smarter than you and we can change things.”

I tried to interview a couple of them but they didn’t like the questions and stomped off.

Iffen you see one of them maybe they will answer for you. Here’s what I want to know BEFORE I vote.

How long have you lived here since you boomer-ranged?

Do you still have a home and family somewhere else?

Why didn’t you visit your mom and dad more often before they died and left you the house?

What jobs have you held here?

What have you ever built here?

What have you ever accomplished here?

Did you raise your kids here?

How often do your kids visit you here?

Why do you think you know what’s best for the county?

Until they answer those questions we won’t know anything about them.