Unexpected Life, the Ultimate Project & POOF!

   Written by on August 29, 2013 at 12:39 pm

I spend a moderate amount of time contemplating the universe, capitalism and the inevitability of my demise. There is no doubt in my mind that one day the vital ingredient of Averett will abandon my corporeal remains which will then achieve room temperature.

rural legendsThis is not a matter for concern or even morbid fascination. As my father once told his doctor after being advised his medical condition was terminal, “Doc, we’ve all been terminal since the day we were born.” There are worse things than being dead and there is also the added benefit of finally knowing all of the answers.

I am in no hurry to achieve room temperature. I still have at least a few hundred projects that will permanently remain unfinished if I am finished before they are finished.

Dying is a project that should involve some preparation and contemplation. It just isn’t something you should undertake lightly.

It is important to keep things in proper perspective meaning we should all be  prepared to expire tomorrow. We should keep our spirituality, and our relationships with people and the cosmos in order because we might not get the chance to fix them later. If the atheists are correct and all that happens is a “poof, no Averett” then it is still the right thing to do.

If the Bible is correct there are a whole lot of positives beyond the poof but there are certainly going to be some embarrassing moments when I have to account for my life. Unlike this column, where I can confess to some things and happily ignore others, Judgment Day is going to be strictly factual without omissions. OOPs (note to self, work on that.)

I suppose the reason that I contemplate being dead more than most folks is that I’ve expected it to happen sooner rather than later for most of my life and I’m not just talking about those silly teenage years where Darwinism attempts to remove folks like me from the gene pool.

When I was in the first grade I had rheumatic fever which resulted in a heart murmur and weekly trips to the doctor. That happened the day after I had joined the midget football team. I have never played or watched football since and in fact have always been fairly suspicious of the game because of it.

Then I contracted Tularemia after skinning a fox that wandered into the yard and died.  That’s a pretty ugly and uncomfortable disease. When I overheard the doctor tell my mother, “It will all be over in a week or so,” I assumed he meant OVER, not well. I gave away some  toys and prepared to meet my maker. At age 12 I didn’t have any big issues to confess so I probably was less concerned than I am now. I am, however, suspicious of foxes of all ages and species.

Then from age 12 to 30 I survived multiple accidents, incidents, calamities, disasters, setbacks, collisions, mishaps,  misadventures and misfortunes, although lately things have been pretty peaceful.

My new goal is to plan my funeral with emphasis on having the cheapest funeral possible. My first plan is to give away the spare parts to anyone who can use them. I want to be treated the way that I treat cars and trucks. Wear them out, give away the spare parts, scrap what’s left for maximum profit and be done with it.

That’s where the capitalist comes in. There has to be some way to make a profit on my funeral. My bride Management has already planned my obituary to read. “Averett is dead, funeral and yard sale to be held…” That’s good but I want to see a profit on the funeral. Selling tickets is out mainly because I’m not expecting anyone to attend. I’m still contemplating that.

As far as the estate sale goes, I’ve decided to have mine now. I learned long ago a dead guy’s stuff always sells for more than a living guy’s. I suppose this is because stuff is being sold that the dead guy would keep if he was still above room temperature and above ground.

As soon as I work  out the details for  maximum profit without actually having  to die I’ll let you know.

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