Ugly Rumors, Aptitude Tests & My Q

   Written by on June 22, 2017 at 10:02 am
The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

I have always made it a habit to ignore rumors, especially when they are about me. I am never concerned when rumors concerning me concern others. There are several reasons for this. The most important is some, if not all, of the rumors have a kernel of truth. In order to deny parts I would have to confess to the true parts. Confession may be good for the soul but it can be unhealthy, unwise, unpleasant, and downright dangerous.

Recently though there have been several particularly vicious stories making the rounds that I feel obligated to refute. As with all rumors, they started out with a bit of truth and grew.

First, someone started spreading the story that “Averett isn’t as dumb as he looks.” Well, that is purely opinion based on a just how dumb I look. This changes depending on time of day, location and most importantly on the company I am keeping.

I have attended many events where I was not only the most intelligent looking, I was actually the most intelligent person present and in at least one case had more teeth than the entire crowd. This was in no way a reflection on my intelligence. It was more of a reflection on my judgment. We will not discuss these events further except to point out that poor judgment is not usually associated with intelligence.

On the other hand, I have attended events where I was clearly intellectually inferior to everyone else. Just for the record, these were not political events.

The first time the vicious rumors accusing me of intelligence started was when I was in the 9th grade. I had discovered a winning educational combination. I was making straight C’s and was considered “dumb as a box of rocks, but tries hard.” I was happy with this low effort situation which didn’t interfere with the things I enjoyed doing.

Then in a purely spiteful exercise we were given aptitude tests. My score was not exceptional but, according to the teachers, indicated I was not actually “dumb as a box of rocks.”

Suddenly my grades dropped and nasty little notes started appearing on my report card like “Does not apply self.” I was disappointed as I expected consistency in teachers.

The following year we moved to high school and I was able to put that one testing aberration behind me. The next aptitude test we took I used the rhyme scheme from “The Highwayman” (AABCCBDD), which yielded satisfactory results.

I graduated by the skin of my teeth, which happens to be a half a point, and for many years was not troubled by accusations of intelligence. Recently some troublemaker revived the rumors.

The first I heard of these vicious rumors was when someone stopped by the office and said he heard I was “pretty smart.” I promptly convinced him otherwise and assumed that was the end of that. Apparently he wasn’t willing to accept my denials. The next week he came back and said his source said, “Averett got a perfect score on the SAT’s.” That is an absolute lie.  I not only never ever got a perfect score on anything, I have never scored perfectly.

I did take the SAT’s and did get a score but that score was more in line with my high school average of 74.5 rather than perfect.

Then last week, just as I was adjusting, I was accused of having an IQ, which I promptly denied. Then I was accused of having an above average IQ. Whatever my Q is I am sure it is personal and I think someone should have told me before now that I had one. And if I do have one that is above average I want to know what group they grouped me with.    

I called my mother to see if she remembered if I ever had a Q. She thinks I had one once and it was 98.6.

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