To Tell or Not

I was at Grandma’s house for Sunday dinner, just as usual.  But, nothing was normal.  If this were a normal Sunday, we would be in the kitchen helping Grandma and Mom and the boys would be setting the table (or finding excuses for not setting the table).  Dad and Grandpa would be in the living room watching TV.  Today, Grandma was in the kitchen alone.  She told us to use paper plates and not to worry about setting the table.  Dad was outside.  Grandpa was in the basement.  Mom didn’t feel good and was in the bedroom.  We kids sat looking at each other.  Chuck, the oldest of us, said he’d ask Dad what was wrong.  Chuck came back with a puzzled look, “Dad said nothing was wrong and everything would be alright.”  We all knew something was wrong, we just did not know what.

As parents, we want to protect our children from all hurts both physical and emotional.  We expect small hurts, ranging from losing a game, breaking a favorite toy, or even the hurt that first love brings.  Nevertheless, it is hard to share information with our children about problems we don’t even understand.

First, consider what is appropriate to share with your children.  Remember you are the parent.  Make sure that you are not asking your children to share your parental responsibility.  Your children do need the age appropriate information about problems that have an impact on their lives.  They don’t need the burden of all the details.

These questions need to be answered: how much do I tell the kids, how do I tell them, and when do I tell them.  Like all parenting questions, there isn’t a straightforward easy answer.  It is important to be honest with your kids, while still being a parent, not a friend.  Family issues related to divorce, remarriage, family financial woes, or the serious illness of a loved one are all issues that cause stress in a family.  As a parent, you need to find an appropriate way to talk with your children about these issues.

You may think you are hiding the problem from the kids.  However, your children live in the same house you do and are more aware there is a problem than you think.  Your children can tell when there is a change in the normal house routine, when you are extra tired, stressed out or unhappy.  Your walls have ears and your children may even have heard you talk about the problem.  Children tend to think that they are the reason that you are unhappy, worried, or angry.  By not being able to talk with you about the problem, you leave your child to come up with his or her own conclusions about the situation.

Discussions should start by reassuring your children that they are not to blame.  Simply saying, “We’re having some difficult times now, but it isn’t your fault,” will give your child comfort and start the conversation.  Tell your children it’s okay to ask what’s wrong when you are upset, angry, crying, or looking worried.  Your children will feel reassured knowing they can ask questions.  Of course, the amount of information you actually share depends upon your child.  Your children neither need nor want to know all the details.

Pick a time to share the information when your family can sit down together.  Give your children plenty of time to ask questions, and understand what is happening.

Seek help.  Children often experience behavioral changes at times of troubling news.  A school counselor or licensed counselor is good sources of information on how to share troubling news with your children.  Your Pastor is another place to look for support.

When your family faces a situation concerning divorce, a job change, relocation or other major changes, deciding how to communicate about it with your children should be your first, not last priority.

 Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children, lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated.  Colossians 3:21 (AMP) 

Cheryl Gowin, and Dennis Gowin, Hope for Tomorrow Counseling Center.  Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.