Time marches on – right by Stump County

By Half Whitt

It has been a slow week in Stump County. It is always a slow week in Stump County. If we happened to have a fast week, it would leave all of us behind. Maybe that’s what happened here. The rest of America seems to be 20 to 50 years ahead of Stump. Most of us like it that way but you have to wonder just how it happened. Did time pass us by or did we just refuse to move on?

Pastor Needham Flock of the First Second and Third Church, says time is like a river. I’ll have to think about that. He never did give me an answer on the “Is there life after cancellation?” thing. That is one of my big concerns. When you are a fictional character in a fictional column and the column is cancelled what happens? Is it just “Poof” and no more coffee or is there some- thing more?

Pastor Flock, says the river and time just keep on flowing and we are on the bank watching it go by. It doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe we should all just jump in and see where it goes. Then, I got a map and found out that our river runs into a swamp (with alligators, snakes, and bears) and then it runs into the ocean filled with sharks. I told Pastor it looked to me like if you try to keep up with time, you get eaten. He says all of that is pre-deter- mined by the higher power.

It seems to me that real people get to make choices, but fictional characters are just pawns of the columnist. On the other hand, If we get cancelled maybe I can be reincarnated as Mark Trail or somebody. As long as there is coffee, I don’t really care.

Otis Sneezleweed was in the “Yak n Snack” while I was talking to the Pastor. He must have heard our conversation and it scared him. He went down to the river and tied himself to a tree. For Otis to even think about moving with the times is stressful. I don’t know what would happen if he ever tried to move into the present. I even understand that the folks who write dictionaries are going to put Otis in the new edition.

Otis – (noun) – Someone who refuses to change. Otis- (verb) – to refuse to change. “I’m going to have to otis on this one.” Otis – (adjective) – This is an otis situation.

They may even change the word filibuster to otis. The Senate is holding an otis on the judicial conformation hearings. President Shrub issued a statement that there has been no progress on the nominations due to the otis.

Speaking of which, what happened to the old fashioned filibuster where they had to stand up and talk. Those guys put it on the line and suffered to make a point, what they are doing now is more of a joke than this column.

Our fearless but also fictional reporter Carlotta Gutz, just ordered a huge box of pacifiers. She says she is getting tired of real people reading “Stump County” and getting mad because they think it is about them. Carlotta has received fan mail from three states and a bunch of towns from people who see THEIR town or county in it. It seems that Stump County and all of us in it are funny if we make you think about somebody else, but are ugly and mean if you think it is about you. Carlotta wants to give a pacifier to everybody who gets their little feelings hurt. Since Carlotta gets paid with fictional money she can’t really do anything but you can. Clip a Stump County News column and send it to one of the whining crybabies. Add a pacifier if you like.