They Have a Problem

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Have you ever asked your teenager what is bothering him or her only to have him or her turn and scream at you … You always over react; it is no big deal.  Have you been talking with a friend who describes their mother-in-law as controlling and always finding fault; just after she spent fifteen minutes telling you everything you are doing wrong in your life?  Were your thoughts, “Have you looked in a mirror lately?”

We can take out our self-view on convenient scapegoats who may remind us unconsciously of ourselves.  Teens do this to their parents; get mad at parents disproportionately for traits the teens fail to see in themselves.  Studies have shown that Dads tend to do this most with the oldest son and Moms with the oldest daughter.  It is common for firstborn sons and daughters to develop into a perfectionist trying to live up to the unrealistic demands of parents.  An interesting fact is that most MD’s, PhD’s and pastors are the oldest child in their families.  Did you know 15 of the first 16 American astronauts were firstborn sons?  These are careers where perfectionism can be helpful; but the effects are not always positive.

In psychiatry, this action is called projection.  Anna Freud first outlined projection as a defense mechanism, in her 1936 book ‘The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defense’.  Projection is like putting your hand on an overhead projector.  You hand is on the projector, not the screen on the wall, but it looks like it is on the screen.  Our faults are in ourselves but we see them not in us but in the people, we are closest too.  Sometimes we take it out on the person we love the most, as ridiculous as that sounds, because unconsciously we know that person is least likely to reject us for using them as our punching bag or scapegoat.  Projection is not seeing our own faults, but seeing them in the people around us instead.  We all project our emotions at times.  Here are a few unhealthy examples:

I do not like another person.  However, I have a value that says I should like everyone.  I project onto that person that he/she does not like me.  This allows me to avoid him/her without dealing with my own feelings of dislike.

An unfaithful wife suspects her husband of infidelity.

A husband who has a hostile nature sees anger in his wife and wants her to take an anger management program.

A woman who is attracted to a fellow worker accuses the person of sexual advances.

I do not like my body image and feel that I am unattractive because of my weight.  I project onto my friend that he feels I am unattractive because of my weight.  Then I am free to be angry with him or hurt because he feels this way about me.

There is an old saying, “It takes one to know one.”  We see in others what we like and don’t like in ourselves.  If we embrace these parts of ourselves, we will be able to see others as they are, not as we see them through our cloud of projection.  There is another saying that the three greatest mysteries in the world are; air to birds, water to fish, and man unto himself.  We are able to see everything in front of us but we have a hard time seeing ourselves.

All we have to do is open our eyes and look around.  We need a mirror to see ourselves.  You are my mirror and I am yours.  Yes, this sounds easy but most need help in looking at ourselves.  Find a person who you can trust to help.

And why worry about a speck in the eye of a brother when you have a board in your own?  Should you say, ‘Friend, let me help you get that speck out of your eye,’ when you can’t even see because of the board in your own?  Hypocrite! First, get rid of the board.  Then you can see to help you your brother.  Matthew 7:3-5

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Call us with your feedback; our phone number is 434-808-2637.