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As we promised last week here is the transcript of the testimony from Jonnie B. Slick in the corruption trial of everybody who has any influence here in Stump County. As you remember Jonnie B. loaned money and gave gifts trying to get Stump County to endorse his new “snake oil” patent medicine called Issatacrock.
The prosecution wants a conviction and doesn’t mind hiring Jonnie as a witness to get one. The defense is trying to blame menopause, mental issues and marital discord.
So Jonnie was put on the witness stand. When they asked him if he would tell the truth he just kicked right into his sales pitch. He said, “ The truth is Issatacrock is the wonder drug. It will cure everything from piles to pimples, from aids to adenoids and from xxxxx. Just four Issatacrock tablets from your personalized Issatacrock dispenser will change your life…” Before Judge Judge could cut him off, nine people from the audience and three jurors stepped up for free samples.
I’m a tellin’ ya folks, Jonnie B. could sell fleas to a dog.
The defense attorney’s first question was, “Mr. Slick, are you going to tell the truth?” Jonnie replied, “The truth is Issatacrock will…” Judge cut him off and said, “Just answer with yes or no.” Slick said, “Yes.”
“But Mr. Slick, everything you are saying today is different than what you said last month. How to you explain that?” “It’s simple,” said Slick. “Unlike Issatacrok which is made using a precise formula of secret and exotic natural herbs and spices including natural tobacco smoke and other smoke and mirrors, the truth can change depending on circumstances.”
Slick went on, “Actually nothing I’ve said today has changed from what I said last month. Last year I was trying to make money and keep my butt out of jail. Last month I was trying to keep my butt out of jail. Today I’m trying to keep my butt out of jail. The truth is, nothing matters but keeping my butt out of jail except selling Issatacrock so I have money to pay my lawyers and to bribe folks to help me sell Issatacrock.”
“So,” asked Joe Bob Bill IV, the defense council, “when you first said you weren’t trying to bribe anyone or that you expected gifts that was true.”
Jonnie B., “No that truth has changed. I was lying then but I’m telling the truth now.”
Joe Bob Bill IV“So you were a liar?”
Jonnie B. “I was then but I’m not now.”
Joe Bob Bill IV“How can we know you’re telling the truth now?”
Jonnie B.“Because I’ve said I was lying then but I’m not lying now.”
Joe Bob Bill IV“How can we be certain you aren’t lying now and were telling the truth then?”
Jonnie B.“ Because I quit lying when they offered me immunity.”
Joe Bob Bill IV “Are you sure you didn’t start lying when they offered you immunity?”
Jonnie B. “Just because I lied to sell Issatacrock and I lied to stay out of jail doesn’t mean I’ll lie to convict my friends, er, former friends, er, acquaintances.”
Joe Bob Bill IV“You are saying you were a liar then but you aren’t anymore?”
Jonnie B. “That is correct.”
Joe Bob Bill IV “ Mr. Slick, you are new here in Stump County. Do you understand that in Stump County people are considered honest or crooks, truthful or liars.”
Jonnie B.“ I’ve heard that but it is so ridiculous I didn’t pay any attention. I am an honest man. I only lie for business, personal issues and to keep my butt out of jail.”
Joe Bob Bill IV“So, Mr. Slick, how can this jury,the citizens of Stump County, know when you are telling the truth?”
Jonnie B. “It’s simple. The truth is I’ve been bought and paid for by the prosecutor. If I don’t deliver I’m in trouble so I’ll tell the truth the prosecutor wants.”
“The truth is Issatacrock is the wonder drug. See me after court and I’ll be happy to give you a free sample of Issatcrock. And with the purchase of a six months’ supply of Issatacrock, I will give you – absolutely free- a full color picture of Bo Diddly suitable for framing and a wonder gadget. It slices, it dices, it’s a TV remote, a nail clipper, an ear hair remover, a radio, a mmmmmmmmmm. Just see me at my medicine wagon. I mean, see me at my pharmaceutical sales vehicle and mobile office.”