The Sun Shines, Birds Tweet and Hurricanes

Contrary to rumors started by those who know me, my world is always a peaceful place.

Management says the best description of life with me is a little girl holding a big kite, which is constantly pulling her in different directions. As I make it a point not to disagree with the woman whose biggest decision was to marry me, I must accept that I am a kite. However, from the kite’s perspective it is pretty peaceful up here. Just floating around with the buzzards is nice and out of reach to all of the things going on down there. Another friend claims that although my life may be peaceful, I am the eye of a hurricane and that everything and everyone around me is dealing with the storm.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

Another friend proposed the theory that I live in an alternate universe that is unaffected by the storms in this one. In either case life is peaceful and serene here. The sun always shines, the birds always tweet and life is good. The first time I told Management the sun was shining in the midst of a storm she was concerned. “It is raining,” she said. Of course it was raining. I attempted to explain that although it was raining the sun was still shining. This resulted in a long conversation during which she attempted to slip off and call the people with the white suits and big butterfly nets. I finally convinced her that unless there was an enormous cosmic light switch that turned off the sun when it rains and at night, then THE SUN ALWAYS SHINES. It is a matter of perception.

So regardless of the eye of the hurricane, or kite or alternative universe, my life is peaceful and dull. I decided this weekend to do something to add some excitement to my drab dull normal life.

First, I slept late. Then I got out of bed on the other side. I took a big chance and removed the “Do Not Remove under Penalty of Law” tag from my pillow. We sat on the front porch instead of the back and drank our coffee. I had mine black for the first time in 40 years.

Whoa!

     While we were drinking our coffee, the oak tree in the front yard fell and hit the lamppost.

If it had been about 10 feet closer it could have been exciting. But it didn’t and you just can’t beat having a load of good firewood delivered to within 10 feet of the front door just as it is beginning to get cold.

We finished our coffee just as the storm ended. I noticed a large wasp nest under the seat of my chair. Once again I missed an opportunity for excitement. Management immediately started asking where I had last misplaced my Epipen for bee sting allergy, which was unnecessary since I wasn’t stung. This gives some proof to the eye of the hurricane theory. On the several occasions I passed out in Dr. Ailsworth’s office after a bee sting everyone was somewhat excited.

I on the other hand was peacefully asleep.

Back to last Saturday. We went grocery shopping and started at the wrong end of the store and used the wrong side of the aisles. As I was leaving the store a long black stretch Hummer stopped at the door. The chauffeur was wearing a tuxedo and rolled out a red carpet to the door of Walmart. He opened the rear door and out stepped—————-Some Guy in a cowboy hat. He said Yehaw several times and offered to sign autographs. After signing autographs on Walmart receipts and two on children he got back in the limo and left for the airport. Who was that hatted and booted man? Everyone but me seemed to know and he didn’t introduce himself. He might have been famous or he might have been someone just looking for some excitement.