The Brady Bunch

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Do you remember the TV program The Brady Bunch?  The plot involves two parents, each who have three children, marrying and creating a blended family.  Can you relate? Does your marriage involve a blended family?  Did you think that your new family would be a Brady Bunch where the children get along and in fact relate to each other so well that they even form a band?  Is your reality different?

Dealing with the “yours, mine and ours” forces exist in 40% of marriages today.  You will find that the components of these forces change depending on the family dynamics in your blended family.  The blended family dynamics and stresses adjust depending on many factors including the age of the children, the amount of time the children live in your home, your relationship with your children before your marriage, and your relationship with the other parent.

For most couples they enter the realm of a blended family with the best of intentions and expectations and many times find their reality very different.  The good news is that you can work on minimizing the stresses of your blended family.  Here are several examples of the stresses within a blended family and some thoughts on ways to address the problems.

We have all heard that when you marry the two become as one.  This is a good overall picture to paint in a blended family.  When dealing with the family unit, you and your spouse need to present a unified front.  To accomplish this, you need solid lines of communication between you.  It is better to tell your children “your father/mother and I need to talk alone about this” than to disagree.

The age of the children influences the time and attention needed by the children.  The age of the child also impacts the alone time the child might require with the natural parent.  Remember a blended family structure requires transition time for both the parents and the children.  Take time to listen to your children.

If both you and your spouse brought children into the marriage, the children should be seen as “our” children and treated as such.  Seeing the children as mine or yours by definition will create division rather than unity. This means birthday and Christmas presents should be from both parents.  Decisions should be presented as a joint decision made by both of you.

Hopefully before the wedding day, you and your spouse spent time talking about your thoughts on how to raise children, your discipline styles and your expectations for childhood behaviors.  And, after the wedding day, this private conversation needs to continue.  Children easily pick up on any divisions between parents.  Your child may use any perceived divisions to control the situation.  You and your spouse, together, should discipline and not leave the disciplining to only one parent.

The ex-spouse raises another significant dynamic in a blended family.  The ex-spouse is still a parent and has the right to their own decisions in how to raise the children.  In a perfect world, you would be able to talk with your ex-spouse and come to an understanding of how you and your spouse plan to raise the children.  In a perfect world, you would be able to set healthy boundaries with your ex-spouse regarding the method you and your spouse have set related to raising the children.  In a perfect world, yes.  In the real world, there will probably be tension related to the interaction with an ex-spouse.  Your goal is to maintain the ability to discuss, away from the children, all the issues created by any interaction with an ex-spouse.

Blended families create a wonderful opportunity for new growth and life direction.  However, don’t forget that you are not only building a relationship with the children, but you are also building a marriage relationship.  Date nights and time spent alone with your spouse should be scheduled regularly and viewed as a priority.  Regular and open communication between you and your spouse is the foundation for a healthy and happy blended family.

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.  Colossians 3:20

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.