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The Affordable Healthy Mare Act in Stump County

   Written by on February 27, 2014 at 11:12 am

Well, dress me in bloomers and call me Granny. We hear stories that Yo Mama is claiming that the Affordable Health Care Act is so successful they are getting ready to launch The Affordable Car Act.

That certainly makes sense. Well, it makes as much sense as the Affordable Care Act. If you use the same logic, everybody needs transportation. Some folks are transportation deprived. Some folks have more transportation than they need. Some folks have more money than others. SO, the ones with more should share with the ones that have less. (At least that’s what that communist Karl Marx said.)

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia. Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century. The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary. He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel. Trying to contact Half Whitt? Send letters to editor@southsidemessenger.com, or mail to The Southside Messenger, P.O. Box 849, Keysville, VA 23947 and we’ll pass it along!

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia. Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century. The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary. He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel.
Trying to contact Half Whitt? Send letters to editor@southsidemessenger.com, or mail to The Southside Messenger, P.O. Box 849, Keysville, VA 23947 and we’ll pass it along!

As of next year everyone will have to sign up for a car. Of course, if you like your current car you can keep it. At least that’s what they are saying.

The payments will be affordable; less than you have been paying. You can sign up for the basic plan, the bronze plan, the silver plan or the gold plan. The Gov’mit says it will be easy. Your payments will be based on your income. You get to pick the plan you like.

But like Yo Mama-Care every plan is the same. The difference is what you pay. Some folks need four-wheel drive so you have to have four-wheel drive. Some folks have a whole passel of sprats and need more seats so you have to have more seats. Some folks need a wheel chair lift so you have to have a wheel chair lift. What it all means is every car and truck on the road is now obsolete and every car is going to have to be exactly the same.

So what’s going to happen to the folks who don’t need and don’t want a car? No problem say the supporters of Yo Mama Cars. All they will have to do is make the payments and everything will be fine. If they don’t make their payments they will be fined the amount of the payments AND if they ever need a car they will have to pay for one themselves.

The next thing they are looking at is an Affordable Bar Act. Since most folks drink and many can’t afford it the new plan will fix the problem. Everyone will have to sign up for the Yo Mama Bar Plan. Every week the Gov’mit will send you a bar bill. The payments will be affordable; less than you have been paying. You can sign up for the basic plan, the bronze plan, the silver plan or the gold plan. The Gov’mit says it will be easy. Your payments will be based on your income. You get to pick the plan you like. And you can keep your old bar bill if you like.

So what happens if you don’t drink? No problem, you just pay the minimum tab and everything is fine.

THEN they are going to introduce the Affordable Hair Act. Everyone will receive the hair care they need. The payments will be affordable; less than you have been paying. You can sign up for the basic plan, the bronze plan, the silver plan or the gold plan. The Gov’mit says it will be easy. Your payments will be based on your income. You get to pick the plan you like. And if you like your old hair care plan you can keep it.

So what happens if you don’t have any hair? No problem. You can just pay the minimum and everyone (except you) will be happy.

“A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.” I don’t remember which king said that but he had it right. A horse is important. Here in Stump County a horse is necessary. Horses are transportation, a truck, a tractor and a power plant all built into one and they are self replicating.

Now in my case since I just sit here in the Sneezeville Sentinel office and write this column. I don’t need a horse like some folks who farm and haul stuff and the like but if I want to track down a story I need a horse.

My old Nellie Belle isn’t much of a horse. She’s sway-backed, hammer headed, knock-kneed, spavined, wind broke and she rides rough but like that guy that writes Rural Legends in the real world says, “Fourth class riding beats first class walking every time.” I shore need a new horse but I can’t afford one. The pay scale for imaginary folks isn’t really good.

Here in Stump County they are introducing the Affordable Healthy Mare Act since we don’t have cars. Most folks need a horse and some folks can’t afford one. Under Yo Mama’s Mares you’ll get one. Everyone will receive the horse they need. The payments will be affordable; less than you have been paying. You can sign up for the basic plan, the bronze plan, the silver plan or the gold plan. The Gov’mit says it will be easy. Your payments will be based on your income. You get to pick the plan you like. And if you like your old mare you can keep her.

So what happens if you don’t need a horse? No problem. You can just pay your fair share of the program and you don’t have to get one. If you don’t like that you can just pay a fine and if you ever need a horse you’ll have to pay for it yourself.

All I have to say about all of this is I shore do miss good old capitalism and freedom.

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