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Teenagers and Mount St. Helens

   Written by on May 1, 2014 at 4:18 pm

Fourteen-year-old Avonna walks into the kitchen with her backpack in hand. Not saying a word, she walks with determination toward the door. Her Mom turns from the sink, looks at her and asks, “Are you going somewhere?”

Avonna responds “Dah, going to Mikisha’s.”

Cheryl Gowin, Counselor and Dennis Gowin Director of Hope for Tomorrow Counseling Center. Any feedback, comments, or if you have issues or questions you would like presented in future columns, please feel to contact us at dgowin@hopefortomorrowcounseling.org.

Cheryl Gowin, Counselor and Dennis Gowin Director of Hope for Tomorrow Counseling Center. Any feedback, comments, or if you have issues or questions you would like presented in future columns, please feel to contact us at dgowin@hopefortomorrowcounseling.org.

“You promised to put away your clothes first; the clothes are still in the basket. Please finish that task before you leave.”

Avonna throws her backpack on the floor and screams, “They are my clothes; I should be able to do what I want with them. You are ruining my life. I hate you!” She runs into her bedroom, slamming the door.

“That’s it! You’re grounded, young lady,” her mom shouts back. Her Mom is left feeling exhausted, defeated, and unsure if she’s done the right thing.

Sounds familiar? This scene happens in homes every day. Teenagers, just like adults, get angry, generally when they don’t get their way. Anger is an emotion given to us by God. How we use that emotion is the issue. The Bible tells us we should calmly deal with our anger “in the moment.” (Ephesians 4:26 and Ecclesiastes 7:9) In this case both Avonna and her Mom have an anger issue. Yes, Avonna erupted like Mount St. Helens but then the eruption caused an earthquake aftershock response. Anger reflecting anger generally accomplishes more harm than good. That raises the question, how do you deal with your teenager’s anger?

Role model appropriate responses when you’re angry. Parents should role model dealing with their own anger appropriately in front of their children. What are some good ways to do that? Say, “I’m getting frustrated—I’m going to take a break.” or “I can’t talk to you right now; I’m really upset so I’m going to wait until I’m calm. I’m going to come back and we’ll talk later.” And then talk later.

Admitting that you’re angry and you need some time to calm down is not a weakness; it takes a lot of strength to say these words out loud. Remember, you’re teaching the lesson of how to manage your anger, and that’s exactly what you want your child to learn. James 1:19 tells us everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

Allow your teenagers to express their anger, in a healthy way. The best way to diffuse anger is to discuss it, find the root source, and see what changes can be made to correct it. When a kid is told to go to his room until he “is over with his anger,” the anger only becomes repressed and often comes out later, many times in a destructive way. You must allow time for anger to dissipate. You cannot expect a kid to get over his anger right away just because that’s your expectations. As with any emotion, it takes time and a safe environment to overcome painful feelings. Proverbs 16:32 tells us: he who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.

By the time teens reach our program, several things are noticeable: parents are worn out and frustrated, teens have had most of their privileges taken away as punishment, and the teens are very angry. Many angry kids will not talk to their parents but will talk to another adult or counselor. Finding a wise counselor can help find a way to incorporate the whole family into learning to communicate more appropriately – without a Mount St Helen’s eruption and resulting earthquake aftershock.

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