Tax Increases?!?

By Carlotta Gutz

The Stump County Bored Supervisors are now considering a new budget for the county. Ivan A. Spendit has never met a proposal to spend money he didn’t like. Ivan has proposed more budget increases than any other Supervisor. He presented 114 items to add to the budget, one for each loud-mouthed person in his district. He is working hard to retain his seat on the Bored. His theory is to do everything anyone asks. He believes his constituents will support him if he supports them. When asked in an interview if his constituents had a problem with his conflicting ideas he responded, “ I don’t believe in sitting on the fence. Yesterday I was strongly in support of every proposed increase. By the time it comes to a vote I will be strongly opposed to an increase in taxes. The only problem I have is remembering which side of the fence I am on today but you will never find Ivan sitting on the fence.”

When asked if he thought his supporters would believe he could be both in favor of and against increasing the budget he replied, “I am a representative of my district. My supporters aren’t any smarter than I am. They just want me to agree with them. They won’t care what actually happens as long as they remember I was for or against whatever they are for or against.”

He added, “If the folks in my district were smart, do you think they would have voted for me?”
In the same meeting, there was a proposal presented to require that all new regulations sound good regardless of the actual result.
“What is important is the public perception, not what the regulation actually accomplishes,” stated a Bored member, wishing that he could remain anonymous. For instance, somebody put up a lot of signs announcing a
Shakespearean Thespian Troop would be performing in Sneezeville. I don’t know what a Shakespearean or a Thespian is, but both of them sound nasty and I intend to prohibit them. We don’t want anything like that in Stump County.
Elmira Dogbox of “The Flat Broke but Still Proud” plantation spoke in favor of culture, art and music. Otis Sneezleweed, grandson of the founder of Sneezeville, stated, “My granddaddy didn’t have art or culture and my daddy didn’t have art or culture and if they didn’t need it than neither do I.” He added, “We all like real music but don’t want all that culture stuff.”
On a similar note, the college in nearby Farmtown has installed a fish cleaning table on the yard of the campus and are calling it art. We sent our part-time reporter Half Whitt to investigate.
He says, “This is simply the finest outdoor fish cleaning table I’ve ever seen. The only thing missing is running water. It is built to hold a whole mess of catfish with room for a deer or two. It is built on a hill so no matter how tall you are there is a comfortable working height. It has a fine slate top that is easy to wash. It is nice to see that the colleges are giving the art of fishing the attention it deserves.“

In other Stump County news, Officer Bustah Butts is running radar on the highway through the county. In response to charges that he is running a speed trap he responded, “Darn tootin, but it isn’t much of a trap. It’s easy for them to miss it; all they gotta do is drive the speed limit. My job is to stop speeders and enforce the law. I don’t make folks drive fast..” Then he added, “I can do it two ways. If I don’t keep the speed down then I have to clean up the wrecks on the highway. It’s just cleaner, easier, and less messy to stop a wreck before it happens.”